Day 223. The Ordinary of It. 3 Things

Sunday, October 3, 2011

Here are three things I’ve been learning lately.

1. All of the glamour of Hollywood is done in post production. You know the magic of Hollywood? You know how people want to move here to be a part of the glamour of the entertainment industry? I don’t think it really exists. Certainly, I have a long ways to go before I make in into the upper echelons of Hollywood. However, I’ve been on set for Mad Men, and Community, and Letterman, and been by the swanky places, and seen celebrities out and about. I was struck with this thought while I was an extra on Mad Men. I was sitting in my booth playing my part and listening to the acting going on behind me. It just struck me, “Oh, there is a lot of to do with this, but it’s still just two people who memorized the lines written for them and now they say them to each other in front of the camera.” That is the exact same thing I could say for any acting I’ve done on camera, or anyone else who is making a movie with friends. Sure, there are a lot of crew members, and there is a lot of equipment, and a lot of money involved, but in the end it’s the same thing. Somehow we think that’s it’s different here. I think that’s because the final product looks so good, but that’s all done in post production. I find that both bubble bursting and inspiring.

2. I think the most important quality a person in Hollywood has to have is patience. As I know, there is patience required to try to make it. Then, when you do “make it” you have to have patience for the next thing. I heard an interview with Paul Rudd where he said, “What people don’t realize about being an actor is that you’re constantly looking for a job.” Even when you have a career, you still have to be striving and putting yourself out there, and that requires patience. Plus, things seem like a sure thing and turn out to be a bust all the time. The Mad Men scene I was in was not more than eight lines, yet they had so many people working on it, so much equipment, and took hours upon hours to film. Patience, more than anything else has to be an ingredient.

3. My last point relates to my first in that you have to enjoy the ordinary of it. Yes, Hollywood is the place of dreams, and people come out here to pursue their dreams, but at a certain point the dreaminess wears off, and you have to enjoy the process and the ordinary of it. I think that is true of any dream or adventure. I think it’s only worth pursuing the dreams you have if you think you would like it once the high passes. That’s the same for relationships and marriages I suppose.

We’ve all heard famous actors say something to the effect of, “My life is boring, I don’t know why people are so interested in it,” or “Being an actor is not that exciting, there isn’t much exciting about it.” When I hear that I always think, “Okay, but it’s still probably really exciting, right? Right?” or “That sounds boring, tell me more!”

I haven’t made it into being a big time actor yet, but I’ve been around it a little, and I know what ordinary is. Eventually, with certainty, all things you do become ordinary if you do them for long enough. Can you get joy out of the ordinary? That’s the question.

Day 222. Comedy Store, Round 3.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I had round three of my appearances at the Comedy Store tonight. This time, I was in the Original Room, instead of the Main Room, and this time it was Saturday night instead of Thursday. The Main Room is bigger, but I like the feel in the Original Room. Also, it is the actual original room, where all of the great standups worked out material and did shows a long time ago. It’s fun to say I did a stand up show at the Comedy Store on a Saturday night.

You might recall that I was supposed to do this show in August as well, and I showed up, but couldn’t get anyone to come, so I got bumped to tonight’s show. Tonight I brought 14 people. It’s fun, I had representatives from different parts of my life. It was a House of Representatives of my friends. I had 4 people representing Springfield, 2 representing my first improv class here, 2 representing my second class, 4 representing Traer, IA, and 6 representing work. Ross, who represents Iowa City, almost made it.

It went really well again, as the comics say, I killed it. I like that feeling. It’s not quite the same excitement, since it’s happened before, but it’s still pretty cool.

Honestly, the rest of the show was a bit of a crapshoot.

Here is the show broken down by the numbers:

2 Number of comics that the host couldn’t remember the names of when introducing them.

18 Number of weed jokes.

36 Number of masturbation jokes.

25 Number of sexual intercourse jokes.

28 Number of racist jokes.

33 Number of weed, masturbation, sexual intercourse, and racist jokes that comics before me used that I was planning on using, but couldn’t because they had already been said.

1 Number of giant dildos taken out of a trunk and carried around the room while the opening music to 2001 A Space Odyssey played.

2 Number of nipple tassels being worn by the same comic when he ripped of his shirt later in his set.

25+ Number of minutes for the set of one comic. We were each supposed to have 8 minutes each, but I think the guy that ran the show had stepped out during his set. At about 25 minutes I saw him run back into the room. No lie, it was so long, and the guy was so bad. He was buff, with a lot of tattoos, so no one heckled him due to fear. Somehow he was completely oblivious to how long he was going. I think he had told himself, “I’m going until they tell me to stop,” but no one told him to stop. The safety measures malfunctioned. It’s like he was Deepwater Horizon, and we were the Gulf. All we could do was watch it happen, hoping it would stop, but we were too scared to approach. We tried robots, we tried top kill, but the spewing was too powerful.

The guy who promotes and runs the show finally saw my set. I had done it twice before, but he wasn’t around. He loved my set. I don’t know what that means, but it’s got to help I would think.

Day 221. Mikey, Subway, Stowaway Socks. Random Tidbits

Friday, September 30, 2011

Here are some random stories of late that I haven’t been able to fit in anywhere.

-I have encountered a mystery, for which I have no explanation. I was tying my shoe at work the other day. I was bent down and I realized I had something poking out of my pant leg. What was it? One of my socks. No, it was not attached to my body, I was wearing a pair of socks. This was a stowaway sock. It was mine, but I have no understanding of how it happened. I had recently done laundry, yes. I had also grabbed the jeans off of a pile of clean laundry. However, I had worn the jeans the day before with no trace of an extra sock. Also, if the sock managed to get into my jeans from the laundry pile, how did it survive the force of my leg going through the pant leg? I can only guess that there was really strong static cling. I was laughing to myself as I saw the sock poking out and had to explain it to a customer who was watching me. Professional.

-I was in line at Subway on Thursday ordering my food. There were nice people behind the counter helping to put on the veggies on my turkey breast and ham. A couple of the sandwich artist girls were smiling at me in a way that doesn’t happen to me very often. I couldn’t quite figure it out. Then, while I was paying, one of the smiley girls said to me, “Are you an actor?” At first, I was wondering if she had seen my One Hour Heating and Air Conditioning commercials in Springfield. Then I realized probably not. I said, “I’m trying to be one, but I haven’t been in anything.” I wish I would have said, “You got me, it’s me, Morgan Freeman.”

-Speaking of Subway, what is with the Black Forest Ham? Doesn’t ham that comes from the forest, come from a forest pig? Isn’t a forest pig a boar? Come to Subway to get the newest $5.00 Footlong, Slices of Boar. Doesn’t sound appetizing.

-I have my third installment at the Comedy Store on Saturday night. This time it’s in the Original Room, and it’s on a Saturday night. I think I’m going to bring a lot of people, so it should go well. I hope.

-I helped out the guitarist from Weezer at work the other day. I could tell by his e-mail address, and the fact that he had long fingernails like guitarists often do, and by me googling him after he left. I also recently helped out this old guy, who I taught to send an e-mail. He was a longtime director who was friends with Charlton Heston and Rock Hudson. He was also married to Patty Duke. I Googled him too. I don’t think he will see this based on his knowledge of computers. Very nice guy. Today, a coworker pointed out to me that a guy in the store was the guy who was in those old Life cereal commercials, Mikey. “He likes it, hey Mikey!” 

-I had a dream last night that there was another bedroom in the house that I’m staying in that had a kitchenette. I was kind of ticked off. I don’t think it was real though because I was also naked.

-I called SAG Thursday because I haven’t gotten my eligibility paperwork yet. It turns out they’re doing my paperwork wrong. Dummies.

-I was walking out of the house to my car yesterday and the dog that I hate that ruins all of my sleeping was next door tied up in the front yard. It started barking at me so I said, “Shut up!” then I noticed that the owner was sitting on the porch. I put my head down and kept going to my car.

Day 219. Open Letter to Women Considering Plastic Surgery

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Today, I basically worked, and then went to a stand up show with my stand up friend, Lisa, at the Improv. It was a pretty good show. Then, a girl from my first improv class here was performing in the next show, so she got us into the next show for free. Booyah. It was really good. Look at me, running into people I know. 

Today, I want to talk about plastic surgery. If you want to know my credentials for speaking on this subject, consider two things. One, this post, I wrote to all women. Two, I work at an upscale mall next to Beverly Hills. I’ve seen more women with plastic surgery than Joan Rivers in a house of mirrors. It’s unreal, I barely notice it anymore, which is not to say that it’s not noticeable. Like, a woman with her lips done, I’m just numb to it.

Open Letter to Women Considering Plastic Surgery

Hello, it’s me, Jeff. This is a safe place. It has come to my attention that you’re contemplating plastic surgery. You’ve gotten to a certain age, where you’ve started thinking that you’re past your prime.  You’ve started thinking that you don’t look as good as you used to. You’ve probably done research as to how it all works, and what procedure you are considering. Or, maybe, you haven’t gotten that far.

Well, I consider myself an expert, due to my time working in the field. I have immersed myself in the world of the clients of plastic surgery, and I’ve come out with some findings. It’s like I’m Dian Fossey embedding herself with gorillas. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to compare women with plastic surgery to gorillas.

Here is my advice to you:

Don’t. Just don’t.

No matter how much you’re feeling tempted to get plastic surgery, don’t do it. It doesn’t look right. Women that have plastic surgery done don’t look younger, they look differenter.

Here are the basic looks of women:

-Child

-Teenager

-Woman

-Old Woman

-Women with Plastic Surgery

See, it has it’s own category, it doesn’t fit into any of the other categories. You don’t move from old woman to woman. Now, let’s look at the different types of plastic surgery and the effects it has on the woman’s appearance.

Facelift. Have you ever seen a latex glove? That is our normal face skin. Have you ever seen one stretched over a hand that it is too small for? Good, but that’s not what a facelift looks like. Have you ever seen someone blow a latex glove up over their face? That’s what a facelift looks like.

Nose job. I would say these are less noticeable on the outside, and sometimes they work. That is, until, your nose falls off into your tortilla soup on a brisk day.

Eyebrow raising. It does make you look more feminine, and it also makes you look shocked all the time. It always looks like you’ve just walked in on a murder in progress.

Collagen injection in lips. This one has clearly not been mastered yet. I don’t know the actual process to accomplish this look, but my guess is that the doctor creates an incision in both the upper and lower lip, and then stuffs a gummy worm into each lip. If you’re a fan of having the ability to purse your lips, and yet you decided to get collagen injections, then you can kiss that ability goodbye. Nevermind, you can’t kiss anymore.

Boob job. Have you ever heard a guy that you respect complain about boobs being too small? No, it’s only ever jerks. You don’t like them already, why would you try to impress them? Also, big boobs are often paired with high heels, which in my mind makes for an extreme risk of balance/tipping over issues. If you’re going to go that route, be sure you have your inner ears done as well.

Chin job. No. Stop it.

Botox. If it was called “Sausage Poison” would you still want it? Because that is what Joseph Kerner, the physician credited with using it for therapeutic reasons, first called it. Before you get Botox done, put some sausage out on your back porch for a week, then eat it. If putting sausage poison into your body is cool with you, then, congrats, you’re a perfect candidate for Botox.

Braces. Isn’t this just slow moving orthodontist-sanctioned plastic surgery? Nevermind, in the interest of full disclosure, I can’t speak on this subject, I recently had them.

Now, often just one of these items isn’t so noticeable and terrible, but let’s put all these together and see what we get. You will look like a woman with a gleaming stretched out face, perpetually witnessing a murder, who can’t really express it, but is worried that she may tip over and lose her nose in a broth, that she wouldn’t be able to sip anyway, because her lips can’t purse.

Thank you for considering what I have included in my letter. I respect where you are at in your life, I just want you make a fully informed decision on your potential adventure toward plastic surgery. Remember, even if you already have all of this plastic surgery, you can still accomplish great things. You haven’t changed on the inside. You can still conquer the Empire State Building like King Kong. Oh, sorry, another gorilla reference. My bad.

Sincerely,

Jeff Houghton

Day 218. My Day on Mad Men

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

*Note: I have not made a Monday post yet, but I am going to skip it to talk about Tuesday first.

Today, I became a man, a Mad Man. This was it, today was the day I was to make my premiere on Mad Men. Let’s do this sucker chronologically. 

5:30. Alarm goes off. I hit snooze.0.

5:45. I’m up.

6:06. I’m out of the shower and I shave and put whatever goopy junk I use in my hair. I look at myself in the mirror and remember that they told me to not have any goopy junk in my hair when I arrive.

6:08. I’m back in the shower removing goopy junk.

6:30. I’m driving to the studio which is located downtown. My call time is 8 am and I have no idea how long it takes to actually get there. All I know is that the longest it has taken to get anywhere in the city for me is an hour and a half.

7:10. I’ve arrived 50 minutes early, so I recline my seat and take a nap.

7:30. I wake up and there is a girl next to me who has pulled up in her car. Her hair is in hot rollers, indicating she is a female extra on the show.

7:35. After checking with security, I walk to a table in front of some trailers to check in. I’m still a half hour early, so the guy tells me I can get some food. The food is awesome. I had a breakfast burrito and fresh fruit (not just melons either. We’re talking pineapples and strawberries)

8:00. Wardrobe is handing me my costume and I walk up to our dressing room to change.

8:11. I’m dressing into the 1960s with a few other men. They are regular extras. Some of them know each other from working on other shows together. It’s a fascinating subculture. It’s just another day of work for them. Most of them are older than me and are joking about how they remember the fashion from Mad Men in real life.

8:18. I’m dressed, but crap, my pants look like capris, they’re way too short.

8:23. Back at the trailer, wardrobe agrees with me. They take them and I change into my jeans for now and head to hair and makeup.

8:28. Makeup only covers one blemish, and I had to point it out. Perfect skin. The hair lady kills the environment with hairspray to make me look right. It was a lot, my hair was crispy.

8:40. I’ve got my pants on and they’re the right length this time.

8:41. I find out that we’re going to be shuttled by van to a location, rather than shooting on set. While we’re waiting one of the older extras offers to take a picture of the girl we’re waiting with, so she can “show her mother and grandmother.” When he’s done, I ask him to do the same thing. He’s seems surprised. Apparently, he only takes pictures of girls. In retaliation, he gets his finger in each shot he takes.

8:44. They load us up. About ten of us in my van looking like we’re straight out of the ’60s. They drop us off at “holding,” a bar around the corner from the shoot. It just so happens to be the bar where I played in a ping pong tournament earlier this summer.

8:53. A we wait, a person comes in to take each of our pictures, so they can determine who they want sitting where. The scene is in a diner. There are booths along the wall, and a walkway, then a counter with a row of stools parallel with the booths.

8:59. They’re calling people together to send them up. I’m not in the first group.

9:04. I’m not in the second group.

9:05. There are four of us that remain. A couple of the old timers are certain that means that we’re not getting in. They don’t seem to mind, they’ll be somewhere else tomorrow.

9:16. Finally, we’re called up. We wait in a row outside the diner. There’s a ton of equipment on the sidewalk as well. Really, extras aren’t much more than equipment. Extras are props, and not much more. It’s just the way it is.

9:24. I’m totally convinced that I’m going to be left out like I was on the game show several months ago. I would just be left waiting.

9:33. Then.

9:33. A PA jumps out and says, “You!” He points in my direction and I follow him in. I’m to occupy the last booth. I’m supposed to be a guy who is waiting for a friend to arrive. This has never happened to me in real life. I’m always the guy that a friend is waiting for.

9:34. It looks great on the inside. They have decorated it with signs from the 60s. I even have a menu with meals for $.95. There is not a thing that indicates it’s not the 1960s in view of the camera. Outside the camera there are all kinds of lights and screens, and equipement, and people, so many people.

9:40. I suppose I can’t say much about the scene. There are two regular characters that are there. A regular walks in and talks to a regular at the counter. That’s about it. There are probably eight lines. It is amazing how much work and stuff goes into that one short scene. There are so many people, and so many equipment, and so many details paid attention to.

9:58. My back is to the camera for the whole scene, I’m probably not very visible. But, I was acting my heart out on the inside. Where is my friend? Why isn’t he here yet? Was he in an accident? Did the Commies get him, like they got Jimmy? I was worried sick. Sure, all you’ll see on TV is my back to the camera, but there was a whole back story.

10:46. They’re done with me for now. I go back to holding.

10:52. Probably the coolest part of the day. I saw what the industry calls “craft services,” otherwise known by what we call “food” in the normal world. It was a whole spread of food. I got taquitos and fruit mostly. Plus, they had these big bottles of Naked Juice, which is what I get at Starbucks all the time. They’re like $3.45 for 12 ounces. Here, I could have as much as I wanted. Also, they had Nutrigrain bars and other packaged items. Was I the guy who put a lot of that crap in my pockets? You are darn right I was. Probably not cool, but I never eat. It was like inviting a raccoon to a Golden Corral.

11:14. I’m talking to another extra. Talking to new people might be my favorite thing about all of these adventures. This guy lives in LA half the year and does background work when he wants to. The rest of the year he is a captain of a private yacht in Seattle. Apparently, he also lives on the yacht and just takes the rich owners out when they want him to.

11:39. The old timers are predicting that the shoot is probably done.

11:53. Nope.

11:53. The PA comes down to grab us again. We head up to take our spots. They’re still shooting the same scene, this time from another angle.

12:01. They supply with a friend who has arrived. The Commies had not gotten to him. Phew.

12:06. They change their mind with us. The two guys they had put standing in the doorway were too short. They switched us.

12:11. Now, I’m an entirely new character with new motivations. This time, I’m standing in the doorway with a friend and we’re talking about what we’re doing later. We’re holding briefcases.

12:14. They decide we should be smoking. We have the following conversation with the guy.

Guy: Either of you guys smoke?

Us: No.

Guy: Great, I’ve got the two coolest guys in Hollywood.

12:16. He lights our cigarettes, which are just herbal cigarettes, so I don’t choke to death. I definitely felt like I’ve made it because, not only am I on Mad Men, I’m also smoking in a scene while holding a briefcase.

12:22. They just keep shooting the same scene over and over. So, next time when you’re watching any show at home, think about how much time they put into just that one scene. This is probably true of even crappy shows too. Also, whenever you’re watching background actors, know that when you see their mouths moving that they aren’t actually talking, they’re mouthing the whole thing. I was mouthing about plotting a murder.

1:04. I’m back in holding thinking about what packaged food to take with me.

1:13. We’re back in the dressing room changing back to this decade.

1:15. My friend in the scene and I are talking. It turns out that he works as a character at Disneyland. He often plays Goofy and Captain America. How cool is that?

1:16. I turn my wardrobe in. It turns out I got paid an extra $8.00 because I was smoking. Bizarro world.

1:34. I’m back to this decade, so I decide to stay downtown and hang out. I went to a French coffee shop run by an Asian couple, and I fell asleep in a park. I’m a Mad Man.

Day 215. Tired=Bad Decisions

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Boy, I am just a working stiff now. Honestly, I thought when I got a part time job that I would be working a few days a week, maybe getting 20-25 hours a week. This has not been the case. I don’t want to complain at all about working, because everyone has to do it, I was looking for so long, and I need the money. However, right now, my job is not my priority.

Man, it feels like all I do is go to and from work these days. If I choose to fit something else into my day, I get tired the next day. I get two days off a week. You know what this feels like? Regular life. In this time that I’ve dubbed Phase 3, that was one of my goals. I wanted to see what it is like to be realistic in terms of seeing what this going for Hollywood thing feels like with a job. It feels like regular life, tiring. Also, in LA, your workday is extended for all intents and purposes, by at least an hour for commuting purposes. I’m lucky, it only takes me like a half an hour to get to work, it takes longer for most people.

Yesterday, I got an energy drink and a Butterfinger. I drink a lot of caffeine now. I don’t like coffee, so it’s mostly energy drinks and caffeine. Do you ever notice when you’re really tired that you think, “Screw this, I’m eating what I want. I’m tired, I deserve it.” I wonder if all the worst decisions in history were done just because the person was tired. “I didn’t want to assassinate Kennedy, I had just been working so many hours, and eating too many spicy foods after 9:00, it just seemed like a good idea,” said Lee Harvey Oswald. “Bernie Madoff seemed like I nice guy, and I was so tired. I just gave him all my savings.”

In college, I used to pull all nighters fairly often. It was a mixture of being really driven and being really good at procrastinating. One finals week, I had to stay up all night two nights in a row because the computer I was using had a virus and lost my 20 page paper. Thank you, Acer.

The second night, I went crazy. I was no longer quite of this world. My mind had a hard time functioning with normal thoughts. As I sat at the kitchen table working at about 3:00 am, I knew I had to have some sleep. However, if I laid down, I was never going to get back up again. If I sat down, I ran the same risk. In a moment of weird sleep deprived logic, I looked at the corner in the kitchen and thought, “I bet I can sleep for a few minutes standing in the corner.” So, I walked over to the corner and leaned forward with my head, and let the corner walls support my body weight. Then, I slept for about fifteen minutes. When I woke up, I thought, “I can’t believe I just slept standing up.” I worked for about a half hour longer, was seduced by the comforts of the corner again, and fell asleep standing up once again.

It’s going to be trouble when Michelle and I have a baby someday.

Day 214. 13 Steps to a Good Audition

Friday, September 23, 2011

I had an audition today. I don’t think I’ve ever walked people through an audition before, so let’s try that.

13 Steps to a Good Audition

Step 1. Locate the audition and estimate how long it will take to get there, then add 30 minutes, because it’s going to take longer. Actually, it seems to me that it’s not entirely important that you’re on time. I’ve been very early before and very late. They just want to run people through. My audition today was at a place called Space Station Casting Studios. It’s 15 minute bike ride for me. Good.

Step 2. Before you leave, be sure you have your headshot and acting resume. They need to be stapled, with the resume facing out on the back of the headshot. You should staple the top and the bottom. I am always frantically doing this right before I leave. It is still odd to me to have a bunch of pictures in my room with my smiling face looking back at me.

Step 3. Outside the casting studio, use the camera in your phone to check for food in your teeth. I do this every time.

Step 4. When you get to the lobby, sign in. This is something that no one explains to you. You have to sign in, so they know you are there. At the casting studio today, there were four auditions going on for different projects.

Step 5. Survey the others sitting near you. Start picking out people who look like you, they are your competition. Be sure they see you sharpening a knife at various times. Pick out others and try to determine what sort of role they may be auditioning for.

Today, I sat on a bench with others. It turns out the bench was broken and was slowly buckling under our weight. I sat by a woman with her daughter who was auditioning, they both seemed strangely normal. When we got moved because the bench seemed like it was going to snap at any moment, I sat on a love seat of a bench with a large man. You know how if you’re sitting and someone else comes to sit next to you where there is not that much room, you scoot over a little bit out of politeness? This gentleman did not know this rule. He was the type of guy who sat with his legs as far apart as possible. I had one cheek on, one cheek off.

Step 6. Check to see if there are sides. Sometimes they will give you sides ahead of time, and sometimes they will just have some there when you arrive. Today, there were none. This is good for me, it means that it’s going to mostly be improvised.

Step 7. Enter the audition room when you are called. They are usually just very small rooms. Hand the people your stapled resume and headshot. This is where you want to be yourself, a confident friendly version of yourself. If you don’t have a confident, friendly version of yourself naturally, put yourself somewhere between, I’m meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time and I just made the best possible yogurt concoction at a self serve yogurt place. You are humble, but you are also a master.

Step 8. Join in the awkward small talk the people behind the table make with you. They want to like you, so you can show them that you would be fun to work with. Today, we talked about how to pronounce my last name and Houghton, MI. I was charming.

Step 9. Listen intently while they tell you about what they’re hoping for in the project. This is your chance to hear where they are coming from. When they ask you if you have any questions about the role, ask something about the character’s motivation, they like that. Don’t ask about their position on physician assisted suicide, you’ve passed the small talk portion.

Step 10. Slate, this is where you say your name to the camera.

Step 11. Act! I was auditioning for two commercials in the same series today. The premise for them is a guy in his thirties who lives with his parents and needs to be move out, so he needs to use their service to find his own place. The first spot was me in the bathroom brushing my teeth while my parents were grossly getting ready in the bathroom at the same time bumping me and annoying me. Obviously, there is no one around me, so I had to pretend like there were, while I was sitting. Michelle and I have a tiny bathroom, so this wasn’t too difficult to improvise. I made them laugh, good sign.

The second one was that I was making out on the couch with a girl I brought home. It’s dark and I am shocked to realize that my parents are doing the same thing on the other end of the couch. This one was more difficult because I had to improvise that I was making out. Do you know how hard that is? I put my arms around an invisible girl on my lap (I’m married, it was Michelle of course). I basically just kept my mouth open and moved my head around, which is exactly what I do when I’m actually making out. Then, I acted shocked when I saw my parents, who were the two guys behind the desk off camera. I made them laugh again.

Step 12. Shake their hands and walk out trying to step over the remains of their minds, which were just blown.

Step 13. Walk through the lobby of the other auditioners like the cool guy in the movie who has just set off an explosion behind him, but is too cool to even look back to watch.

Day 95. A Mystery Hour Again

May 27, 2011

Today, I had an improv show and a Mystery Hour. It was like old times! The improv show went pretty well, like most other things since I’ve been back, it felt supremely normal. The training I’ve been doing in improv comes from a slightly different perspective, so I could feel that a little bit, but mostly it was fun to be doing it again, I’ve missed doing improv with my longtime friends.

The Mystery Hour went off without a hitch. Just kidding, we were very hitchy and rusty. We had mic problems and music problems, but it was still a good show. In the past, that stuff would have really bugged me, but tonight, I was just happy to be doing it again.

My friend, Catherine, who I met on the plane, that works for Community was my first guest. Then we fooled the audience into thinking a blindfolded man put a mouse in his mouth. My friend, Matt, was the next guest, who had been a guest on the very first show. Then, we did a sketch that wasn’t funny at all. Then we had an amazing band on.

We came home and I interviewed my sister in law’s boyfriend, who I just met, about his intentions with my sister in law.

 

Day 82. First Improv Show in Months

Saturday, May 15, 2011

My first improv class showcase show in seven years. The last time I did one was at Evangel University when I took the Skinny Improv class. Just like that class I didn’t think the show was going to go great, so I didn’t invite a lot of people.

But first, I had an audition in the morning. I hopped on my bike and headed up to it. They had given me “sides” the day before when they contacted me. It is a project for industrials for an Army base. In the first scene I played a husband, and in the second one, I thought I was supposed to read for the “tall lanky smart alec,” making comments when the sergeant was talking. In fact, I was supposed to be the sargent talking about the howitzers and stuff. They gave me a few extra minutes to practice in the hallway since I had prepared for the wrong role. I think I won’t be getting that role. I don’t think I can pull off Army sergeant very well. Drop and give me twenty…please.

My improv class was at UCB, and the others in my class did a great job of getting friends there as the place was almost packed, which helps so  much. Our teacher divided us up into two groups and my group went second during the show. We named ourselves the Ne’er Do Well Gang. While the first group was going, I was thinking, “I can’t wait to get up there, it is so fun up there.” The first group did great and the crowd was really into it. When our group went up there, I remembered, “Oh yeah, I’ve done hundreds of these before.” The show went really well. A girl in my class said her friends thought the awkward blonde guy was really good. I told this to Michelle and she said that indeed I can look awkward on stage. After the show, our class was really excited, so we all hung out for a lot of hours. I’m sad to see it done, there were cool people in the class. There are, I believe, 4 levels of classes at UCB, so I’m probably going to move on to Level 2 soon.

This makes me excited to come back and perform at the Skinny on May 27th, when I’m home. I can’t wait to come home.

Day 80. My Funny or Die Day

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Today was my day at Funny or Die for my Hollywood modeling debut. I think I can’t say too many specifics about it because it is still in the works, but it is a poster project. I think the best way to explain the day is to do it chronologically.

9:35 I leave my house with the wardrobe items they wanted me to bring. Call time is 10:00, plenty of time to get there, it’s nearby.

9:48. I can’t figure out where the frickin’ place is. It is hidden as well as the LOST island.

9:51. I find it and drive through their small parking lot. There is a sign over one spot saying, “Reserved for W.F.” (Will Ferrell). There is no car there. Later there will be.

9:52. I park in the parking structure across the street. The rate is $2 per 15 minutes, but Funny or Die validates. I’m good.

9:55. I’m leaving the parking structure when I realize I have not parked in the parking garage that Funny or Die validates.

9:58. I’m leaving the correct parking structure further away running to get to Funny or Die on time. No matter what time I leave for places, this always happens.

10:03. I’m sweaty and walk in to the office where we are meeting up. It’s a cool building, by the way. I’m introduced to the other “models.” There is the tall, thin, Weathered Blonde Guy who is loud, an Asian woman named Eugenia, The Buff Black Guy, and the Buff White guy who is talkative.

10:06. They are discussing how much the models look like the parts they are portraying, except me, they don’t think I look like the part. I tell them, “Of course, I’m the guy with the shaved head and the orange goatee.”

10: 29. The Buff Black Guy, and I are eating bananas. I say, “Are you ready to be a badass.” He responds, “Of course. That’s what we do. We’re actors. I’m the nicest guy you can meet, but I can turn it on in a second.” I first take it as actor arrogance and bravado, but later I learn that he served three tours in Iraq, whereas, I’ve gone on vacation to Wisconsin.

10:51. I’m talking to the wardrobe person, Anna. I’m wearing one pair of jeans and brought two others. I have the tight lighter ones, the semi tight dark ones, and the looser light ones.

10:53. Anna has me go downstairs to the bathroom and try on the darker ones.

10:59. Anna has me go downstairs to try on the tighter light ones.

11:07. Anna has me go downstairs to put the darker ones back on.

11:21. The Weathered Blonde Guy and I are on the roof getting makeup dirt put all over our clothes. He’s talking about how much he loves denim.

11:38. It’s my turn for makeup. I’m sitting in the chair while the makeup artists puts alcohol on my goatee area. She then puts spirit gum on, which will bond my skin to the orange goatee. I don’t have orange head hear, but my natural facial hair comes in the exact same color.

11:40. Fake facial hair is falling in my mouth as she trims my goatee

11:42. I close my mouth.

11:43. I’m practicing my bad ass faces as Eugenia, the woman in the shoot gives me feedback. Summary, I’m not intimidating.

12:02. We’re all in our costumes. Mostly black outfits. We’re all dirty. We’re supposed to look like we’re on our way back from a street fight of sorts. I’ve never been in a fight, but my brother kicked me in the shin really hard in second grade. I’m trying to remember that.

12:06. We’re now in the basement where the studio is. There is a black back drop behind us and we’re standing in a group facing the photographer, director, wardrobe designer, and makeup artists.

12:32. Adam McKay, the guy who founded Funny or Die with Will Ferrell walks in to have a look. He seems pleased. The Buff White Guy strikes up an awkward conversation, I just try to intimidate Adam with my stare.

12:48. We’re doing individual shots now. I’m sitting past the photographer with the others. The Buff White Guy is talking about everything he knows about the industry to the Buff Black Guy, who is new to town. Eugenia and I chat.

12:59 My turn for the individual shot. I point my head down below the camera and look up at the camera with just my eyes. I try to open them wide, but not too wide. Too wide would be scared, and I ain’t scared of nothing.

1:03. Makeup is adjusting my goatee as wardrobe is adjusting my hoodie.

1:11. I seem to fool everyone that I can pull off tough.

1:30. I go to the parking lot for my turn getting splattered by “blood” on my face.

1:32. A glob gets in my ear. She says she will get it out. She forgets.

1:38. More individual and group shots. My “intimidating” look is degrading to “concerned father.”

2:10. We wrap.

2:14. I’m getting makeup removed, although my goatee area will still remain sticky for several hours.

2:32. We’re on the roof eating lunch.

2:35-2:53. The Buff White Guy expounds on his knowledge of Hollywood. At one point he says, “There are a lot of things I’m not good at, but I’m an awesome actor.”

2:54. The producer, Rachel, mentions that most people, even celebrities, don’t get paid for doing Funny or Die videos, but we are. I store that away for my resume.

3:11. I’ve arrived at home and I’m in my bathroom noticing the big piece of white fuzz hanging from my chin, stuck to the glue on my face, that must have been there for all of lunch.

3:11. I’m taking a nap.

4:32. I wake up to notice that I have gotten “blood” on the white pillowcase.

7:41. I’m bowling at a birthday party for my friend, Jeremiah.

12:30. I’m falling asleep appreciating a day that begins with makeup and ends with bowling.