Day 59. The Distance Shrinks

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I woke up this morning with the immediate knowledge that I had overslept. You know the feeling. There is no grogginess, no wiping of the eyes, only a glance to the alarm clock to have a third party confirmation of what you already know. 

I was indeed late picking Michelle up from the airport, so I couldn’t get any cool shot of her coming down the escalator this time.

One thing I learned dating long distance before is that every visit is not going to be magical, and that’s okay. It’s good now, but we had some things to talk out. I’ve wanted to be honest in this blog, so I am.

This is difficult for us. It’s difficult in both similar and different ways.

Here’s the deal. We don’t really have much of a plan. We’re not planning on her moving out here at a certain time and we’re not planning on me coming home at a certain point. It is as open ended as can be. As a result, we both struggle with the uncertainty and the loneliness. I’m realizing the baseline of stress this gives us at most times.

At times we have a tough time relating to the differences of our other struggles. I tend to struggle a lot thinking about the money. This is why I eat very little and am losing weight. Talking to Michelle made me realize just how much I think about it in the back of my mind. Michelle tends to struggle more with the uncertainty and the emptiness of the house when she comes home. At times, we fail to appreciate and understand the other’s struggles. At times we feel distant.

That’s why you talk things out. It doesn’t change the circumstances, but it makes the distance shrink and the understanding grow.

Things are good. We had an amazing nap (I also sleep better with her around). We made dinner last night and watched TV. This felt great and ordinary, except the part where I helped to cook. Long distance makes you do strange things.

Tomorrow I’m going to film the deleted High Fidelity scene I mentioned yesterday. I got the part. This is a student project for a class that will be seen by tens of people in a class. It pays nothing. It may be silly to be excited for such a thing, but I am. Most everything I’ve done before is something I’ve been a part of creating, or something where someone has seen me performing improv before. This one, I just auditioned well. Hopefully, I will be able to add it to my reel (video acting resume), which needs to be beefed up.

Michelle has approved the content of this post.

Day 42. Miss My Wife Sort of a Day

April 4, 2011

Today was a miss my wife sort of day.

We, of course, miss each other everyday, but some days you feel it a little more. It is not in any sort of weepy way anymore, just the feeling that something is askew. Right now, I would really love a day to go home for a day, hug my wife, sit on my couch and just jump in some normalcy and comfort as a refresher and then come back full steam ahead.

Things aren’t horrible on a miss your wife sort of day, it’s just this thought of how much better each part of the day would be with her around. Michelle is working hard through her first session of organizing and administering MAP testing (Missouri standardized test). She is very busy with that, which is kind of nice for her and kind of hectic at the same time.

I got stood up for lunch today by a nice man. He’s another friend of a friend. We talked on the phone last week and he really is a nice guy, but he didn’t show up (8 crapfirmation points). The great thing about my life right now is I can take it in stride because I just sat and read a screenwriting book I’ve been trying to get through. Then, I went to improv class, which I love (12 affirmation points). After class, I hung out with my classmates (6 affirmation points), watched a horrible basketball game, and went to an improv show. When I first saw the Skinny Improv back in the day I could only go to one show because I wanted to do it so bad that I couldn’t just watch it. It’s that same feeling for me now. I’m only getting in a few scenes a week in and I used to be in so many more. In a non arrogant way, it is nice feeling like I could have hung in there with the people in the show though (5 affirmation points).

I have an interview for a catering company on Tuesday. Not my ideal job, but rumor is they pay money.

So yeah, I’m not too articulate about it, but it’s a miss my wife sort of a day.

Day 20. R and R and GoldenEye

Sunday, March 13, 2011

In February 2003, I moved to Springfield, MO for the pursuit of love and basements. It was when I was moving to see if my long distance relationship with Michelle was the real deal. I had to move to find out if we could do it as an everyday relationship. This was when I moved into her parent’s basement. The first month, things weren’t going so well for us as we tried to make the adjustment. A month later my aunt and uncle called to see if I could come out to California and stay with them for awhile as my aunt had to be gone for a month. It was perfect timing. I needed to get away, and they needed some help with their kids, my cousins. So, Michelle and I made the rule that we couldn’t talk for a month, and then I would come back and we would see where we were.

I really enjoyed being out here because my family is great. I carpooled my cousins, made lunches, painted window trim, cleaned carpets, and mostly played GoldenEye with my youngest cousin Carolyn because she was nine and my ability level. Staying at a place for a month is enough time to make it feel homey. Eventually, I came home and Michelle and I made it work. We needed a step back as we were making a giant leap.

I write this post from the room I stayed in while I played nanny. My aunt and uncle live in Orange County, CA, just south of Los Angeles, so Michelle and I came to spend the night. Oh, and we also got fed ribs, potatoes, and blackberry cobbler. It still feels homey. Normally, you take a vacation to get away from the homey feel and go experience something new. However, when you’re only experiencing new things, it is good to take a vacation to a homey place.

The rest of the day we had done next to nothing. It was my first day of not doing anything towards my goals, which made it awesome.

Day 3. All In

February 24, 2011

Fyi…On another window I’m taking online traffic school from a red light ticket that I got out here when I was visiting in October. It’s as bad as you imagine.

I’ve been realizing that I can’t have one foot in LA and one in Springfield and pull this off. This may seem obvious, but I tend to only process things while going through them, and I have only started processing this concept now, when it is upon me. I was consumed with final shows and getting everything done in Springfield up until the point I left, then I was consumed with the road trip out here, and so far out here, it’s mostly felt like I’m visiting.

But the truth is, I’m out here to really give it a shot, and somehow that is only now becoming experientially apparent to me now. I have to go all in. Admittedly, this is difficult when Michelle is 1,700 miles away (Thank you to the iPhone 4 for face chatting, although it’s not quite the same). But, the great thing about Michelle is that she is encouraging me along the way, plus she’s extra pretty. I guess I’m ramping up to all in.

I went to Starbucks today, which was crazy busy. I overheard two guys writing a screenplay. Actually, I’m fairly certain that the whole place heard them. “And then you’ll be left fighting the demons” was my favorite line. Plus, there are just a lot of well dressed attractive people. I also went on a bike ride with my friend, Ross, for what turned out to be 18 miles. It was actually really good to see around some of the city and realize that I can get places by bike. It was very freeing, because up until this point I’ve been very concerned with parking and not knowing the rules and paying a fortune for it. So the bike ride felt like hope a little bit.

Tomorrow I’m going to meet with a contact I made in Springfield for coffee (smoothie) and go to watch stand up in the evening. Saturday I’m going to be able to hopefully watch the taping of the season finale of one of my favorite sitcoms.

Thing’s I’ve learned about myself so far:

-I’m great at spotting celebrities. However, I think every thin person with big sunglasses and a baseball cap is a celebrity.

-I let doubt play too big of a role in my mind.

-I like security when I don’t have it and crave adventure when I do.

-I can keep a room clean for two days.

-I don’t like proving myself. I prefer it when people know me already.

I’ll update this list as I go. Back to traffic school. Only 6 hours left.

Day 1: Jeff Open Door

February 23, 2010

When I was growing I played sports. I can remember that for the first practice of each year, or anytime I was on a new team I would absolutely dread it. The drive up to the practice was torturous for me. I would always wonder why I even wanted to play. In the end I was always glad I did it though, even though my 1990 Red Sox only won 3 games. That is how today felt. I’ve shown up to baseball practice on the first day and I’m the one wearing jeans.

My friend, Ross, and I went to Canter’s for lunch. It is a classic, old fashioned diner specializing in pastrami sandwiches. It was good, and they gave pickles to chew on like a Mexican restaurant gives chips and salsa. I think everything is just going to be more expensive here. As a result, my thin build will get even thinner.

We did walk by a store with a sign out front, which may have been there only for me. Or, maybe the store was just named Jeff. I’m going with the former.

After that, Ross took me driving around L.A. I love the diversity. All white is boring, and this is not that. I talked to Michelle, and she seemed to be doing better, plus her sister, Jenn, is in town to keep her company. Hurray for twin sisters.

Tomorrow I am going to Santa Monica. I will hang out on the beach and then meet a producer connection. Plus, my original L.A. connection from my first flight out here in October has set up something fun for me on Saturday.

There is just so much up in the air right now. I’ve never had so many things floating up there undecided. It turns out I had liked the comfort and security. I had gotten used to it. But, anxiety is nothing more than assuming that things aren’t going to work out. I choose to assume that things will work out. Might as well, they’re going to be up in the air anyway. Besides, I’m opening this door.