Day 216. Beat the Hump, An Illustration

Sunday, September 25, 2011

When I started telling people that I was moving to Los Angeles, they would often remark about how difficult that must be. I started replying, “If I had known how difficult it was going to end up being, I probably wouldn’t have decided to do it.” That was mostly true. I just kind of decided and stuck with it even though it was harder than I anticipated.

Uprooting yourself is hard. Starting over in a new place is hard. There is definitely a hump you have to get over. Now that I’ve been here for awhile, I’ve gotten to the other side of the hump and can see that it’s pretty good on this side, I just needed to be willing to go up and over the hump.

How many times have I wanted something but turned around when I saw the hump?

Today, I decided I would illustrate that with, well, an illustration.

Often, we will get an idea of something we really want, and really like. For instance, joining a traveling carnival. 

So, we research what it is going to take to get there, and plot out a course.

Excitedly, we get together everything we need, and we start going.

It’s a long walk, but it’s worth it.

Uh-oh. Even though it is something we really want, there is a hump we have to get over to get there. It’s really upsetting. 

It’s worrying. There is this great goal on the other side, but that hump seems insurmountable, it seems daunting.

We start to imagine that it’s even worse than it actually is. We may even imagine that there is a polar bear with a pistol on top of the hump.

It all seems too big. We lose sight that the hump is temporary. So, we turn around and we go home. We give up.

But, we always think about how much we still like the goal. We still want to be a part of the carnival. The hump was just too big and scary to get past.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way. This is what I’ve learned, if you can just buckle down and get past the hump, you’ll realize that it’s not so bad. Yes, the hump is daunting, and yes, it is scary, but it’s not insurmountable. It’s just not. The hump is temporary.

The times that we take on the hump, we’re happy when we arrive.

We even look back fondly on the hump. What was once so daunting, is now a happy memory. The hump became the best part of the story. You won. Don’t let the hump stop you.

Day 214. 13 Steps to a Good Audition

Friday, September 23, 2011

I had an audition today. I don’t think I’ve ever walked people through an audition before, so let’s try that.

13 Steps to a Good Audition

Step 1. Locate the audition and estimate how long it will take to get there, then add 30 minutes, because it’s going to take longer. Actually, it seems to me that it’s not entirely important that you’re on time. I’ve been very early before and very late. They just want to run people through. My audition today was at a place called Space Station Casting Studios. It’s 15 minute bike ride for me. Good.

Step 2. Before you leave, be sure you have your headshot and acting resume. They need to be stapled, with the resume facing out on the back of the headshot. You should staple the top and the bottom. I am always frantically doing this right before I leave. It is still odd to me to have a bunch of pictures in my room with my smiling face looking back at me.

Step 3. Outside the casting studio, use the camera in your phone to check for food in your teeth. I do this every time.

Step 4. When you get to the lobby, sign in. This is something that no one explains to you. You have to sign in, so they know you are there. At the casting studio today, there were four auditions going on for different projects.

Step 5. Survey the others sitting near you. Start picking out people who look like you, they are your competition. Be sure they see you sharpening a knife at various times. Pick out others and try to determine what sort of role they may be auditioning for.

Today, I sat on a bench with others. It turns out the bench was broken and was slowly buckling under our weight. I sat by a woman with her daughter who was auditioning, they both seemed strangely normal. When we got moved because the bench seemed like it was going to snap at any moment, I sat on a love seat of a bench with a large man. You know how if you’re sitting and someone else comes to sit next to you where there is not that much room, you scoot over a little bit out of politeness? This gentleman did not know this rule. He was the type of guy who sat with his legs as far apart as possible. I had one cheek on, one cheek off.

Step 6. Check to see if there are sides. Sometimes they will give you sides ahead of time, and sometimes they will just have some there when you arrive. Today, there were none. This is good for me, it means that it’s going to mostly be improvised.

Step 7. Enter the audition room when you are called. They are usually just very small rooms. Hand the people your stapled resume and headshot. This is where you want to be yourself, a confident friendly version of yourself. If you don’t have a confident, friendly version of yourself naturally, put yourself somewhere between, I’m meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time and I just made the best possible yogurt concoction at a self serve yogurt place. You are humble, but you are also a master.

Step 8. Join in the awkward small talk the people behind the table make with you. They want to like you, so you can show them that you would be fun to work with. Today, we talked about how to pronounce my last name and Houghton, MI. I was charming.

Step 9. Listen intently while they tell you about what they’re hoping for in the project. This is your chance to hear where they are coming from. When they ask you if you have any questions about the role, ask something about the character’s motivation, they like that. Don’t ask about their position on physician assisted suicide, you’ve passed the small talk portion.

Step 10. Slate, this is where you say your name to the camera.

Step 11. Act! I was auditioning for two commercials in the same series today. The premise for them is a guy in his thirties who lives with his parents and needs to be move out, so he needs to use their service to find his own place. The first spot was me in the bathroom brushing my teeth while my parents were grossly getting ready in the bathroom at the same time bumping me and annoying me. Obviously, there is no one around me, so I had to pretend like there were, while I was sitting. Michelle and I have a tiny bathroom, so this wasn’t too difficult to improvise. I made them laugh, good sign.

The second one was that I was making out on the couch with a girl I brought home. It’s dark and I am shocked to realize that my parents are doing the same thing on the other end of the couch. This one was more difficult because I had to improvise that I was making out. Do you know how hard that is? I put my arms around an invisible girl on my lap (I’m married, it was Michelle of course). I basically just kept my mouth open and moved my head around, which is exactly what I do when I’m actually making out. Then, I acted shocked when I saw my parents, who were the two guys behind the desk off camera. I made them laugh again.

Step 12. Shake their hands and walk out trying to step over the remains of their minds, which were just blown.

Step 13. Walk through the lobby of the other auditioners like the cool guy in the movie who has just set off an explosion behind him, but is too cool to even look back to watch.

Day 80. My Funny or Die Day

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Today was my day at Funny or Die for my Hollywood modeling debut. I think I can’t say too many specifics about it because it is still in the works, but it is a poster project. I think the best way to explain the day is to do it chronologically.

9:35 I leave my house with the wardrobe items they wanted me to bring. Call time is 10:00, plenty of time to get there, it’s nearby.

9:48. I can’t figure out where the frickin’ place is. It is hidden as well as the LOST island.

9:51. I find it and drive through their small parking lot. There is a sign over one spot saying, “Reserved for W.F.” (Will Ferrell). There is no car there. Later there will be.

9:52. I park in the parking structure across the street. The rate is $2 per 15 minutes, but Funny or Die validates. I’m good.

9:55. I’m leaving the parking structure when I realize I have not parked in the parking garage that Funny or Die validates.

9:58. I’m leaving the correct parking structure further away running to get to Funny or Die on time. No matter what time I leave for places, this always happens.

10:03. I’m sweaty and walk in to the office where we are meeting up. It’s a cool building, by the way. I’m introduced to the other “models.” There is the tall, thin, Weathered Blonde Guy who is loud, an Asian woman named Eugenia, The Buff Black Guy, and the Buff White guy who is talkative.

10:06. They are discussing how much the models look like the parts they are portraying, except me, they don’t think I look like the part. I tell them, “Of course, I’m the guy with the shaved head and the orange goatee.”

10: 29. The Buff Black Guy, and I are eating bananas. I say, “Are you ready to be a badass.” He responds, “Of course. That’s what we do. We’re actors. I’m the nicest guy you can meet, but I can turn it on in a second.” I first take it as actor arrogance and bravado, but later I learn that he served three tours in Iraq, whereas, I’ve gone on vacation to Wisconsin.

10:51. I’m talking to the wardrobe person, Anna. I’m wearing one pair of jeans and brought two others. I have the tight lighter ones, the semi tight dark ones, and the looser light ones.

10:53. Anna has me go downstairs to the bathroom and try on the darker ones.

10:59. Anna has me go downstairs to try on the tighter light ones.

11:07. Anna has me go downstairs to put the darker ones back on.

11:21. The Weathered Blonde Guy and I are on the roof getting makeup dirt put all over our clothes. He’s talking about how much he loves denim.

11:38. It’s my turn for makeup. I’m sitting in the chair while the makeup artists puts alcohol on my goatee area. She then puts spirit gum on, which will bond my skin to the orange goatee. I don’t have orange head hear, but my natural facial hair comes in the exact same color.

11:40. Fake facial hair is falling in my mouth as she trims my goatee

11:42. I close my mouth.

11:43. I’m practicing my bad ass faces as Eugenia, the woman in the shoot gives me feedback. Summary, I’m not intimidating.

12:02. We’re all in our costumes. Mostly black outfits. We’re all dirty. We’re supposed to look like we’re on our way back from a street fight of sorts. I’ve never been in a fight, but my brother kicked me in the shin really hard in second grade. I’m trying to remember that.

12:06. We’re now in the basement where the studio is. There is a black back drop behind us and we’re standing in a group facing the photographer, director, wardrobe designer, and makeup artists.

12:32. Adam McKay, the guy who founded Funny or Die with Will Ferrell walks in to have a look. He seems pleased. The Buff White Guy strikes up an awkward conversation, I just try to intimidate Adam with my stare.

12:48. We’re doing individual shots now. I’m sitting past the photographer with the others. The Buff White Guy is talking about everything he knows about the industry to the Buff Black Guy, who is new to town. Eugenia and I chat.

12:59 My turn for the individual shot. I point my head down below the camera and look up at the camera with just my eyes. I try to open them wide, but not too wide. Too wide would be scared, and I ain’t scared of nothing.

1:03. Makeup is adjusting my goatee as wardrobe is adjusting my hoodie.

1:11. I seem to fool everyone that I can pull off tough.

1:30. I go to the parking lot for my turn getting splattered by “blood” on my face.

1:32. A glob gets in my ear. She says she will get it out. She forgets.

1:38. More individual and group shots. My “intimidating” look is degrading to “concerned father.”

2:10. We wrap.

2:14. I’m getting makeup removed, although my goatee area will still remain sticky for several hours.

2:32. We’re on the roof eating lunch.

2:35-2:53. The Buff White Guy expounds on his knowledge of Hollywood. At one point he says, “There are a lot of things I’m not good at, but I’m an awesome actor.”

2:54. The producer, Rachel, mentions that most people, even celebrities, don’t get paid for doing Funny or Die videos, but we are. I store that away for my resume.

3:11. I’ve arrived at home and I’m in my bathroom noticing the big piece of white fuzz hanging from my chin, stuck to the glue on my face, that must have been there for all of lunch.

3:11. I’m taking a nap.

4:32. I wake up to notice that I have gotten “blood” on the white pillowcase.

7:41. I’m bowling at a birthday party for my friend, Jeremiah.

12:30. I’m falling asleep appreciating a day that begins with makeup and ends with bowling.

Day 76. A Case for L.A.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I used to be able to sleep in, like really sleep in. It has been waning in recent years and about two months before I moved, I lost the ability to sleep in altogether. This morning I was able to do it again, and it felt glorious. The key is to power through your groggy wake up at your normal time without waking up too much. If that involves getting up and going to the bathroom, be sure to shuffle your feet, don’t lift them up. Also, don’t flush, it can be jarring and jarring is bad. Come back to bed and try your hardest to get back into your dream.

I was able to sleep in because I was at my aunt and uncle’s house and it feels so much like home.  Eventually, I left from there and grabbed a drink with my latest friend of a friend meetup. Tonight, I met up with Beth, who is a friend of my friend Joe. She works as a writer’s assistant at Dreamworks. She also just moved to LA recently. One of the things that we discussed is how much we actually like LA.

When I decided to move for acting I was actually bummed that the place you had to move was LA. My impression of LA was crowded freeways and shallow people. Both of those exist for sure, but there is so much more.

I would like to make a case for LA.

-Most of the people I have met are great. Especially, in the acting world. Everyone that has been here for awhile were once in my shoes, and haven’t forgotten what it was like, so they want to help out.

-The variety of people is incredible. From the beautiful Starbucks, to Koreatown, to the large number of immigrants.

-There is history here. This was another misconception. I thought that it was all new strip malls and boring. It turns out there is a historic downtown that is slowly undergoing renovation. There is also a super old area called Olvera Street which was the original plot for LA commissioned by a king from Spain when it was Spanish territory in the late 1700′s. Also, I’m starting to get into the Hollywood history.

-I ride my bike to a lot of places. I never would have guessed that to be possible. The city of Los Angeles is pretty urban, so you can get around. Plus, there is a subway system, which is underutilized, not great, but functional.

-Parking isn’t so bad. That is a lie. It is bad. Very bad.

-To talk about the weather is pretty cliche, but it is pretty fantastic.

-Customer service is pretty darn good. I was expecting no concern for such things, but it has been great.

-There are definitely people in the acting world who are douchy I’m sure, but the vast majority aren’t big ego sort of people. These are people who are okay with being rejected over and over, people who take classes all the time because they are humble enough to realize they can have things they need to work on, and they’re people who are cool with talking about dreaming and encouraging it.

-The weather in the midwest may vary from a high of 28 degrees with snow to a high of  78 degrees and sunny in a week. The high here may vary from 62 and overcast to 78 and sunny in a week, but you’re still supposed to analyze it as though there was a great variance. If it’s 63 you might here someone say, “Ooh, it’s cold today.” If it’s 68 the same person would say, “Wow, beautiful day outside.” I think it’s cute.

-There really is a lot to do, less if you don’t have any money, but it’s out there.

-The guy from the Toyota and Sonic commercials is sitting across from me at the table, as I write this in the Beautiful Starbucks.

Day 72. Letting it Happen

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A few years ago at the Skinny Improv we had a guy named Shad from iO (formerly Improv Olympic) come down to train us for a weekend intensive. It was very informative in a lot of ways. Yet, probably the biggest thing I took from it was his suggestion of a book to read for improv. The book, The Inner Game of Tennis, is not an improv book at all, but actually a book about from the ’70s on the mental side of tennis. I found it second hand on Amazon for cheap.

It is one of my favorite books ever.

The book translates nicely for improv, my dad is a tennis coach, and I grew up playing so the tennis examples made sense too. In tennis, the mental side of things is very apparent as most of a tennis match takes place between points and players tend to wear their mental anguish on their sleeves.

The basic premise of the book is that we have two selves working within us, what Timothy Gallway, the author, calls Self 1 and Self 2. Self 1 is concerned with the mechanics of things, judging if we are doing good or bad, and is mostly critical. Self 2 is more of a natural learner, the side of us that flows more easily, and if we let it, can be much smarter than Self 1. We tend to just trust Self 1 and dismiss Self 2.

Deep, right?

It’s perfect for improv. People have often asked me how we can be so quick on stage and how things just move and happen in an entertaining way. For me, improv is all about silencing the judgmental voice in my head and letting the thing happen. There is this creative, carefree side to underneath if you can silence the judge. Judging is the enemy of doing improv. Gallwey goes on to say that learning to let Self 1 trust Self 2 is what it is all about. They both have a place, but we tend to not trust our natural selves, at all.

When I’m letting and trusting I’m at my best.

Malcom Gladwell’s book, Blink, is talking about a very similar thing, about thinking without thinking. In the book, he talks about how we feel that we need to analyze and over think everything, when really, we can can come to educated better conclusions best when we are trusting our more natural side.

Off stage in my real life, I tend to want to overanalyze things. Every big decision I’ve made has been a practice in flip flopping agony. Reading those books in succession a few years ago was an eye opening thing for me. It rang true for me in real life too. I think we get hung up on judging and being critical of ourselves about a lot of things. In a spiritual sense, whether a person of faith or not, most people tend to think that God exists within the judging Self 1 voice, constantly judging and critiquing what we’re doing wrong, when I think in all actuality he works more in the trusting and letting side of things.

I’ve gotten good at listening to the trusting side of things on stage and in many small ways in my life (In the past, I once nearly had a mental breakdown trying to decide between a brown winter coat and a gray one). The really difficult thing is to make it applicable to real things for me like moving and job searching.

It’s amazing how often I think about these things. It is very applicable to my life. Especially now when I’m auditioning. I’ve practiced enough of getting out of my head, that I don’t get nervous and lost up there when I have to be on. I trust myself in those situations.

Thursday night, I’m doing  a stand up set at The Comedy Store. We’ll see if my theories hold true. Although, for my stand up style, the more nervous I get, the better.

Day 70. Tidbits about Tidbits

Monday, May 2, 2011

I’ve had two short posts in a row. So, my power adapter is now working again. I’m back. I’m rocking out in the Beautiful Starbucks. Since my last two posts were short, I’m going to try to make this post especially long, funny, poignant, and informative. Get ready.

Random tidbits

-Sunday, I had an audition for the role of a talk show host for a student’s art project. I know how to do that. I woke up and discovered that the audition I thought was at UCLA, nearby, was actually at UC-Irvine, and hour and a half away. I drove all the way there, walked in, and immediately auditioned, and walked out. I was there for four minutes. I didn’t want to just drive back so quickly, so I stopped in a sports bar to watch the end of the Celtics game. Boo Heat. It was a strangely friendly bar with just regulars sitting at the bar. They all introduced themselves to me and then made fun of me for carrying a hiking book to the bar. I got one guy’s business card, so my platonic flirting was really working.

-I couldn’t find a good place to hike, so I instead I went for a barefoot run on the beach at Laguna Beach, then I sat on the beach and read.

-I’m reading an awesome book that my friend, Sarah, gave me before I left. It’s called I’m Dying Up Here. It’s about the golden age of stand up comedy in LA in the late ’70s, when guys like Jay Leno, David Letterman, Richard Lewis, Richard Pryor, etc were all friends and performing together at The Comedy Store. It is especially fascinating for me because I’m performing there on Thursday night. I had a stressful dream about it last night.

-I found out yesterday, that I got the role of Late Night Talk Show host for the thing I auditioned for at UC-Irvine on Sunday. It’s just a one time art project sort of deal. I’ve gotten two roles so far out of seven auditions. I think that’s pretty good, even if they are both student projects.

-I shaved my neck hairs.

-Last night before I went to bed, I set an alarm for 4:30 a.m. so I could call Michelle before she made it to work. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to say much because my coherence is lacking at that time of day. But, she was excited by it, because it was unexpected. I think I was probably sleep drooling while I talked to her. She has low standards with me.

-I went to a Cubs/Dodgers game last night. I’m a lifelong Cubs fan, so I correctly guessed that they would lose. It is really cool to go about my day and then go to a baseball game. In the past, I’ve always had to drive three hours to get to a game. This felt so casual.

-The roller coaster of this adventure continues. My mood for each post I make depends on the hour. It’s really silly, but true. My situation doesn’t change that much, so it’s mostly about if I’m feeling optimistic or pessimistic about the same situation. It is really creating a lot of self reflection, some of it good and healthy, and some of it is just overanalysis.

-I had improv class yesterday. It is such a bright spot for me. My classmates are great. Most of them are coming to my stand up show on Thursday. Good people. Plus, improv is all about being in the moment, so in the three hour class, all the other worries kind of go away.

-I found a product I had never heard of yesterday. Toasted Bread. This is an example of an industry plum out of ideas. “Guys, we’ve run out of ideas since we started slicing it. What are other things people like to do with bread, that we can do for them?” “Sir, sometimes I leave the bread out for hours and it gets crusty.” “Perfect! We’ll call it ‘Toasted.’” Or, it’s for the Amish who have always wished.

-I ran into a guy I know. This always disorients me here, it’s probably happened three times. It takes me awhile to accept the reality.

-I had a friend ask me if the pictures I post on here are ones that I find on the internet, or ones that I take myself. I take them, baby. I was flattered that she asked. I’ve only ever had one picture that I didn’t take and that was a few days ago when I put up a picture of a fluffy Bichon Frise dog.

-My grandma has a new post on her blog. You should check it out. It’s about technology.

Day 59. The Distance Shrinks

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I woke up this morning with the immediate knowledge that I had overslept. You know the feeling. There is no grogginess, no wiping of the eyes, only a glance to the alarm clock to have a third party confirmation of what you already know. 

I was indeed late picking Michelle up from the airport, so I couldn’t get any cool shot of her coming down the escalator this time.

One thing I learned dating long distance before is that every visit is not going to be magical, and that’s okay. It’s good now, but we had some things to talk out. I’ve wanted to be honest in this blog, so I am.

This is difficult for us. It’s difficult in both similar and different ways.

Here’s the deal. We don’t really have much of a plan. We’re not planning on her moving out here at a certain time and we’re not planning on me coming home at a certain point. It is as open ended as can be. As a result, we both struggle with the uncertainty and the loneliness. I’m realizing the baseline of stress this gives us at most times.

At times we have a tough time relating to the differences of our other struggles. I tend to struggle a lot thinking about the money. This is why I eat very little and am losing weight. Talking to Michelle made me realize just how much I think about it in the back of my mind. Michelle tends to struggle more with the uncertainty and the emptiness of the house when she comes home. At times, we fail to appreciate and understand the other’s struggles. At times we feel distant.

That’s why you talk things out. It doesn’t change the circumstances, but it makes the distance shrink and the understanding grow.

Things are good. We had an amazing nap (I also sleep better with her around). We made dinner last night and watched TV. This felt great and ordinary, except the part where I helped to cook. Long distance makes you do strange things.

Tomorrow I’m going to film the deleted High Fidelity scene I mentioned yesterday. I got the part. This is a student project for a class that will be seen by tens of people in a class. It pays nothing. It may be silly to be excited for such a thing, but I am. Most everything I’ve done before is something I’ve been a part of creating, or something where someone has seen me performing improv before. This one, I just auditioned well. Hopefully, I will be able to add it to my reel (video acting resume), which needs to be beefed up.

Michelle has approved the content of this post.

Day 58. Say Anything in High Fidelity

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I had an audition today on USC’s campus. It was for a student short. It’s not too big of a deal, but I’ve heard people say to do student films because eventually those students will be players in the entertainment industry. The USC campus is beautiful and I spent a lot of time walking around afterwards. The project the student is working on is an assignment for a class where they have to recreate a scene they haven’t seen before from a movie.

He chose a deleted scene from High Fidelity, a classic movie starring John Cusack.

I feel like I have a chance.

I’ve played John Cusack before.

When Michelle first came to visit me before we started dating, I took a chance. We had met at a camp two months earlier and she was visiting from Missouri to Traer, the small town in Iowa I was living in. I asked around and found out that it cost $35 to rent out the movie theater on the main street, so I got it out for us. We had the whole theater to ourselves as we watched Say Anything, another classic John Cusack movie. It was wonderful. It was an empty theater with just the two of us…and a high school kid running the projector.

As I recently mentioned, I was not a ladies man at this point at all. I reference, “at this point” to make you think I was at some other point. Keep that assumption. This was a big deal for me, I had never been bold with a girl before this at all. I don’t know why I chose to do it with Michelle, but there has always been something about her that makes me want to do those things.

Fast forward 4 1/2 years. I’m living in Springfield, MO, having chased Michelle there (another bold move). I’ve decided that I want to marry her and since I’m obsessed with surprises, so she has no idea. We never had the window shopping trips to jewelry stores or had conversations about getting married. Combine that with the fact that we had been dating a long time, I owed her a good proposal.

There was a new independent movie theater in town called the Moxie. I called them up and rented the theater for a night in early December. I got the ring, now I just had to stay quiet until the night came. This proved to be difficult when her best friend got engaged like ten days prior to my proposal. I have still not forgiven the proposer. I had to deal with a crying girlfriend in my kitchen while the ring was four feet away in a drawer.

Eventually, the night came and we watched Say Anything in an empty theater, just the two of us…and two twenty somethings running the projector. The movie is 3/4 of the way through when it gets to the iconic scene where John Cusack is outside the girl’s window holding a boom box that is playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. He’s wearing a trenchcoat, dark t-shirt, dark pants, and white high tops standing in front of a car.

http://movieclips.com/e/rxbG/

Boombox Serenade
Say Anything… at MOVIECLIPS.com

The scene shows him outside, then cuts to her inside, and then cuts back outside, only this time, on this night, in this version of the movie, the person now holding up the boom box in the movie is me wearing the trenchcoat, dark t-shirt, dark pants, and white high tops standing in front of my car.

Right before she looks at me to figure out what is going on, the words, “Michelle will you marry me?” come on the screen. Michelle freaks out screaming running up and down the aisles. I give John Cusack a mental high five and Michelle a kiss.

So, yeah, I can play John Cusack.

I pick that girl up from the airport in the morning.

Day 56. Spellcheck and the Ladies

Monday, April 18, 2011

In college, I was not what you would have called a “ladies man.” I say “in college” because it makes you think that it was the only time I wasn’t one. Stick with that assumption. I would have been happy to date a lot, but I didn’t have the necessary skills. I never wanted to make the first move. I always wanted the girl to make the move. This rarely happens in our species.

Except once.

One day, I came home from class to my apartment above John’s Grocery, a little corner market. Was it the best location ever for an apartment? Yes. It was built in 1848, and sat above the grocery store owned by the same family since the 1940′s. My roommate, J.J., and I kept the messiest apartment you can imagine. Imagine a messy apartment. Now, laugh at your naivete.

When I approached our apartment door I noticed an envelope with my name on it sitting on our welcome mat. I opened the handwritten note and it said, “Jeff, you may not know me. I’m in one of your classes. I would like to go on a date with you. If you’re interested, I will be at Brother’s Bar at the end of the bar at 6:00 on Thursday night. I’ll be wearing jean shorts and a red and white checkered shirt.” I thought, “Whoa! This doesn’t happen in real life, right?!” Then, I began going through all of the attractive girls from my classes in my head. This is before Facebook, so I could only stalk from my memory. I wasn’t entirely convinced that it was going to be one of the attractive girls because I don’t think attractive girls do that trick, because they don’t have to. Plus, an attractive girl wouldn’t have put up with the noxious fumes coming from the other side of the door.

After much deliberation, I decided that I had to go. Curiosity wouldn’t allow me to stay in. My plan was to get there at 5:30 and hang out in the back of the bar, that way I could see her when she arrived and determine if I wanted to talk to her. Six o’clock rolls around and I’m hanging out by the kitchen watching the door and I see her. It’s definitely a girl from my Communications class…and definitely a girl I don’t have any interest in.

I have to escape.

I look through the kitchen doors and decide against it. The only public exit is right behind the girl. I decide that my only way out would be to sneak along the wall and hope she doesn’t turn her head. I decide against that as well because I tend to sneak like an old timey cartoon burglar, it’s pretty obvious.

I have to have a drink with her. I sit down and have a pleasantly awkward conversation. She says, “Wow, I’m surprised you showed up.” I say, “Yeah, me too.” She’s a nice enough girl, wearing her promised red and white checkered shirt and jean shorts. She’s from Mechanicsburg, Iowa, a small farming town. There’s no love connection. When she’s dropping me off at my apartment in her white Grand Am, she inquires about another date. I say, “Ooh, I just got out of a long relationship, I don’t think I’m ready.” People interested in facts may contend that this was made up completely. I contend that it depends on what your definition of relationship is. Seinfeld had just ended and that relationship meant a lot to me.

I thought that was to be the end of the story.

But, she kept e-mailing me to hang out with her and her friends, and wasn’t accepting my excuses. I had to do something drastic. I had to do something that would make me less attractive to her. So, I wrote her what would prove to be my last e-mail to her. Before I sent it, I went through and made a bunch of spelling errors, because misspelling is unattractive.

Stephany,

Sorry, I cant go out with you to tha Union Bar on Sarturday night. My parent’s our coming into the town, and I am supposedly to hang out wyth them. I hope you haf a good time tho. I’m soor it will be fun.

Thanks,

Jeph

It worked. I didn’t hear back from her.

Now, I can relate to her. Now, I am her. I’m approaching agents and casting directors with a hint of desperation. I’m ignoring their noxious fumes and just putting myself out there. I may not be the most attractive one out there, but they’re not so suave themselves. They’re making excuses, but I won’t accept them.

I’m sending them e-mails.

I’m using spellcheck.

Day 54. Los Angeles, You Just Got Served

Saturday, April 16. 2011

My friend, Josh, is visiting this weekend. He has 5 kids. 5. They’re all his. So, what do you think happens when a father of 5 and an unemployed man do when they get together for a Saturday in Los Angeles?

Well, things get a little crazy.

1. They wake up and eat a crazy sensible breakfast of cereal and fruit.

2. They giggle as they put sunscreen on each other’s backs.

3. They drive to Venice Beach.

4. You think they pay too much for parking? Heck no! They circle around and wait for free street parking. Do they find it? Yes.

5. They arrive at Venice Beach where all the crazy and unique people in the world are hanging out. They watch some street performers. Do they stay and tip when the performers walk around with buckets? No! They briskly walk away and pretend to be on their phones.

6. Then they sit on the beach with all kinds of beautiful ladies in bikinis running around…and discuss jobs, and family, and other bad a** stuff. That’s sick!

7. They play frisbee, like gangstas.

8. Does one of them keep his shirt on most of the time? Yep. He’s got mother effing fair skin, y’all, and the risk of melanoma just doesn’t quite seem worth it, brother!

9. Do you think they sit down for an expensive meal on a patio? No way. They get a slice of pizza at one place, then a low calorie smoothie at another.

10. They get home and take showers to get the sand outta places, playa!

11. Feeling hungry, they find a unique burger place named, Umami Burger, specializing in unique burgers and pairings with drinks, because they don’t care what you think.

12. Then, of course, like a couple of guys two time zones away from their wives, they go out and get a drink at a place called the Dresden, where Swingers was filmed. These ladies men talk to a couple in St. Louis Cardinals shirts for 15 minutes and then leave.

13. How do these gangsta, playa, smooth talking, guys end their night? They walk into a Rite Aid, of course, and buy some topical ointment for athlete’s foot.

Los Angeles, you just got served!