March 11, 2011
I’ve done this before. In February of 2003 I moved to Springfield, MO not knowing anyone with no job, and living in someone else’s house. In fact, it was Michelle’s parent’s house. Michelle was just my girlfriend at the time, so it was potentially awkward, especially when my stay extended in to weeks and then months. It actually wasn’t that awkward, which can mostly be attributed to her parents being nice, as is true now of my landlord/roommates.
I like to think that I have learned a thing or two about how to mooch well. I like to think of myself as a graduate in the school of mooching and am now pursuing my master’s degree in it.
Here are my rules to mooching effectively:
-Be clean. This is not something I did well in my undergraduate studies. I would occasionally get a message passed along to me through Michelle that I needed to clean up. I have been under the tutelage of Michelle now for over four years so I’ve gotten way better.
-Keep a stash of non-perishables of your own. Sure, you’re mooching because you don’t have any money, but you don’t want to eat all of their food. Pretend like you’re preparing for Y2K. Plus, you don’t want to spend money eating out all the time, so the secret is a stash of the non perishables. I would recommend Pop Tarts, Cheez Its, dehydrated fruit, and trail mix. You don’t know how long you’ll be on this hike.
-Befriend the dog first. This is vital. The dog liking you buys you at least an additional month. Just do it with kindness though, don’t give the dog meaty snacks, it will start begging to the owners and they’ll be on to you. “Where did Snickers learn to whine for bacon like that?”
-Don’t call them “Mom” and “Dad.”
-Let them “catch” you cleaning up the living room. Don’t actually do it, just wait until they’re about to get home and walk in to find you with a bottle of Pledge and a roll of paper towels with sweat on your brow.
-If you plan on using fake tan at night and you have been provided with white sheets, be sure to put an undershirt over the pillow case so the pillow case doesn’t get orange and streaky like your face.
-If you feel that your time is winding down on the good will train and you need some bonus time, stage an elaborate rescue of the family dog. This should only be used under desperate circumstances, but is very effective. This can be as simple as saving the dog from an oncoming car, or as complicated as doggie CPR on the roof. Note: When you throw the dog in the street to save it, don’t do it while a car is going by, bad things could happen.
-Two words: Fe Breze
These steps should help guide you in your time of mooch. Mooch well my students.
Today, I met with a friend of a friend who is the GM for a website called Cambio.com. She was also the manager for a certain band that had a lot of success. I won’t say who they are, but they are brothers who came out of Disney. The band name rhymes with Shmomas Mothers and they won this award. She’s going to pass my info on to some people. I’m still hustlin’ around. Also, I signed up for improv classes at Upright Citizens Brigade. I start on the 21st. This is super exciting for me because I used to watch them in NYC all the time.
I’m off to pick up Michelle from the airport!