Day 35. The Dreaded Other Route

Monday, March 28th

I have bad sinuses. There’s no way around it. They’ve been bad for years. It’s a combination of allergies and physical obstruction. I had surgery five years ago, and it was amazing (not the surgery,the result). However, if I get stuffed up due to a cold or allergies, it is guaranteed to turn into a sinus infection and overtake the inside of my face.

Apparently, I’m allergic to something out here, so I’ve gone down the path of the sinus infection. If sinus infections are the villain, then there is only one hero available: The Neti Pot.

I use the Neti Pot every morning and I swear it does more than any medicine. Now, like any super hero, it does have its one Achilles Heel. For the Neti Pot it is clearly, grossness. Rather than describe the process for you, I will show you. Here is a video of a robotic woman and I demonstrating the Neti Pot.

This style is not quite conquering my raging sinus infection, so today, I had to go to another, more advanced route. I knew that there was another way, I was just scared to do it. As gross as the standard technique is, this is worse.

Here it are the step by step instructions I learned from the internet and my attempt:

-Enter the shower

-Pour water in nose, same as the standard technique

-While you’re pouring the water in your nose breathe deeply through the nose, sending the stream of water to other sinus cavities

-Allow the water and waste to exit through your mouth

-Cough a hacking cough

-Appreciate the sensation of vomiting because it has triggered your gag reflex

-Gargle the phrase, “Lord help me”

-Cough a hacking cough

-Bend over screaming, “Why would anybody do this?”

-Spit the kind of spit where it dangles

-Whimper a defeated whimper

-Without meaning to, enjoy your accidental grunting impersonation of Sloth from Goonies

-Fall to the cold wet floor of the shower instinctively repenting of your sins

-Arise and repeat with other nostril

I went to a different coffee shop today so Starbucks wouldn’t think I was a loser. When I left I had a flat tire on my bike and had to run it back to my house so I could make it to improv class on time. Class was great, definitely a highlight of my week.  Then I hung out with people from my class before we went to a show at UCB. I was just hanging out socially like normal people. I think I played it off cool, like I was used to that sort of thing.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Day 35. The Dreaded Other Route

  1. Leora Houghton

    Excellent description. I can thankfully only imagine it.

  2. Tracy S.

    Unfortunately, I know exactly what you were describing. (Been there, done that.) I finally had allergy testing done and now do the under the tongue allergy drops (shots and I do not get along). It’s helped a lot. Good luck on that!

  3. Pilgrim

    I’m a little teapot, short and snot…

  4. Ann Ramsey

    you need to get the water pik and the made for end that goes into your sinus’s. Now you can email Mol and ask her where online she and ryan go it. But that squirts water higher than your netty pot and gets to places that you wouldn’t believe. Now Jeff you must do this twice daily in each nostril. You wouldn’t believe the chunks she gets out. Good luck we are all rooting for you. Ann

  5. Dan

    this is my favorite thing you’ve ever written. and i mean ever. hands down it beats everything combined. all your greatest mystery hour bits and videos. this is absolutely amazing.

    i had to stop reading it halfway thru because i couldn’t breathe i was laughing so hard.

  6. Julie

    After i could breathe again i shared this on my facebook page. I hope you get a lot of new blog followers as a result. I’m afraid to reread this post. It could kill me.

  7. Oh my goodness! Frank is asking me what I’m laughing at. Your description of the other route is hilarious. 😀
    I use a version of the Neti Pot, too – but not every day, cuz I always forget until I can’t breathe at all. Mine never works like in your video, because I’m always too stuffed up. It helps, though. Good luck w/ your CA allergies. I’m allergic to the avocado plants out there. Which means I could never live with Jason Mraz. 😦

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