Day 80. My Funny or Die Day

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Today was my day at Funny or Die for my Hollywood modeling debut. I think I can’t say too many specifics about it because it is still in the works, but it is a poster project. I think the best way to explain the day is to do it chronologically.

9:35 I leave my house with the wardrobe items they wanted me to bring. Call time is 10:00, plenty of time to get there, it’s nearby.

9:48. I can’t figure out where the frickin’ place is. It is hidden as well as the LOST island.

9:51. I find it and drive through their small parking lot. There is a sign over one spot saying, “Reserved for W.F.” (Will Ferrell). There is no car there. Later there will be.

9:52. I park in the parking structure across the street. The rate is $2 per 15 minutes, but Funny or Die validates. I’m good.

9:55. I’m leaving the parking structure when I realize I have not parked in the parking garage that Funny or Die validates.

9:58. I’m leaving the correct parking structure further away running to get to Funny or Die on time. No matter what time I leave for places, this always happens.

10:03. I’m sweaty and walk in to the office where we are meeting up. It’s a cool building, by the way. I’m introduced to the other “models.” There is the tall, thin, Weathered Blonde Guy who is loud, an Asian woman named Eugenia, The Buff Black Guy, and the Buff White guy who is talkative.

10:06. They are discussing how much the models look like the parts they are portraying, except me, they don’t think I look like the part. I tell them, “Of course, I’m the guy with the shaved head and the orange goatee.”

10: 29. The Buff Black Guy, and I are eating bananas. I say, “Are you ready to be a badass.” He responds, “Of course. That’s what we do. We’re actors. I’m the nicest guy you can meet, but I can turn it on in a second.” I first take it as actor arrogance and bravado, but later I learn that he served three tours in Iraq, whereas, I’ve gone on vacation to Wisconsin.

10:51. I’m talking to the wardrobe person, Anna. I’m wearing one pair of jeans and brought two others. I have the tight lighter ones, the semi tight dark ones, and the looser light ones.

10:53. Anna has me go downstairs to the bathroom and try on the darker ones.

10:59. Anna has me go downstairs to try on the tighter light ones.

11:07. Anna has me go downstairs to put the darker ones back on.

11:21. The Weathered Blonde Guy and I are on the roof getting makeup dirt put all over our clothes. He’s talking about how much he loves denim.

11:38. It’s my turn for makeup. I’m sitting in the chair while the makeup artists puts alcohol on my goatee area. She then puts spirit gum on, which will bond my skin to the orange goatee. I don’t have orange head hear, but my natural facial hair comes in the exact same color.

11:40. Fake facial hair is falling in my mouth as she trims my goatee

11:42. I close my mouth.

11:43. I’m practicing my bad ass faces as Eugenia, the woman in the shoot gives me feedback. Summary, I’m not intimidating.

12:02. We’re all in our costumes. Mostly black outfits. We’re all dirty. We’re supposed to look like we’re on our way back from a street fight of sorts. I’ve never been in a fight, but my brother kicked me in the shin really hard in second grade. I’m trying to remember that.

12:06. We’re now in the basement where the studio is. There is a black back drop behind us and we’re standing in a group facing the photographer, director, wardrobe designer, and makeup artists.

12:32. Adam McKay, the guy who founded Funny or Die with Will Ferrell walks in to have a look. He seems pleased. The Buff White Guy strikes up an awkward conversation, I just try to intimidate Adam with my stare.

12:48. We’re doing individual shots now. I’m sitting past the photographer with the others. The Buff White Guy is talking about everything he knows about the industry to the Buff Black Guy, who is new to town. Eugenia and I chat.

12:59 My turn for the individual shot. I point my head down below the camera and look up at the camera with just my eyes. I try to open them wide, but not too wide. Too wide would be scared, and I ain’t scared of nothing.

1:03. Makeup is adjusting my goatee as wardrobe is adjusting my hoodie.

1:11. I seem to fool everyone that I can pull off tough.

1:30. I go to the parking lot for my turn getting splattered by “blood” on my face.

1:32. A glob gets in my ear. She says she will get it out. She forgets.

1:38. More individual and group shots. My “intimidating” look is degrading to “concerned father.”

2:10. We wrap.

2:14. I’m getting makeup removed, although my goatee area will still remain sticky for several hours.

2:32. We’re on the roof eating lunch.

2:35-2:53. The Buff White Guy expounds on his knowledge of Hollywood. At one point he says, “There are a lot of things I’m not good at, but I’m an awesome actor.”

2:54. The producer, Rachel, mentions that most people, even celebrities, don’t get paid for doing Funny or Die videos, but we are. I store that away for my resume.

3:11. I’ve arrived at home and I’m in my bathroom noticing the big piece of white fuzz hanging from my chin, stuck to the glue on my face, that must have been there for all of lunch.

3:11. I’m taking a nap.

4:32. I wake up to notice that I have gotten “blood” on the white pillowcase.

7:41. I’m bowling at a birthday party for my friend, Jeremiah.

12:30. I’m falling asleep appreciating a day that begins with makeup and ends with bowling.

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