Day 99. Sweating at the Airport

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

So, I’m back in LA now. I arrived on Monday night, but let’s start with leaving Springfield. Michelle dropped me off. We had our goodbye, which was infinitely easier than when I last left, driving away. I made my way to the line for the Allegiant Air counter.

From here, I would like to tell the story from the perspective of a woman who was several people in line behind me. So, from here on out, these are her words. I assume her name is Sharon.

God, I hate this line, it’s just like my kids, and everything else in this world. It is stopping Sharon from greatness. Do I speak in third person in my head? Yes, and I also ask myself questions. I’m Sharon, I do what I want. This line is killing me. Oh look, the skinny pale guy just realized they’re checking to make sure the carry on fits in the carry on section. Big surprise there, huh, Casper?

At least he’s letting people pass in front of him as he reshuffles and adjusts straps. I can see his underwear. He’s sweaty and gross and smells like Bacon Bits. Oh great, he made it to the counter before me. Oh nice, pretty boy’s bag bulges at the bottom and doesn’t fit the carry on parameters.

He seems to be arguing with the ticket guy, exclaiming that he has taken that bag as a carry on before. This is embarrassing now. He’s on the floor taking clothes out of his bag and putting them on. By my count, he’s now wearing a t-shirt, flannel, sweater, hoodie, and a blazer. Maybe his bag will fit now.

Wait, what?

He’s just jumping up and talking to the counter guy again. He can’t do that! He needs to get back in line. Sharon, you have to say something. Make it a good one. Make it passive aggressive, but mostly aggressive. You can do this Sharon, think. I got it. Whatever you do, say it loudly.

Sharon: Hey, I thought the line started back there!

Good one, Sharon, good one. Mental high five.

I don’t think he heard me, or at least he’s pretending like he didn’t. Everyone else did.

Oh, now he’s walking away, apparently they accepted his giant bag as a carry on. What happened to rules, people?  At least he is wearing 5 layers of clothes and is now drenched in sweat. Plus, he seems to have forgotten he had a banana in his pocket, because it is broken and oozing. He’ll find it later.

5 minutes later.

Great, now I’m behind this sweaty flapjack in line for security. Hahaha, he just noticed the banana. Mental high five. Perfect, he was just picked “randomly” to have his hand swabbed for explosive materials. Ten bucks says they find potassium. Banana joke! Good one Sharon.

What the hell? Now his bag has to be searched. He’s holding everything up. He’s claiming the problem is these microphones he has for his late night talk show. Mystery Hour? Sounds made up. It’s definitely not on TV

He finally gets his bag back and is repacking it in front of everyone. I don’t need to see your underwear anymore, dude. Joe Boxer? What is this, ’97? He doesn’t put his layers in, he’s just going to wear them the whole flight.


This is Jeff now, unfortunately, all of that was true. Gross flight. Sharon is a jerk.



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4 responses to “Day 99. Sweating at the Airport

  1. I really like the concept of telling stories from the point of view of random, unrelated observers to the event. I read more of that.

  2. Rick Parks

    Hope Sharon’s not a casting agent, but she would remember you.

  3. This entry was absolutely HILARIOUS!!!

  4. Shannon

    Thank you for not naming her “Shannon”.

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