Mornings are the worst. They always have been for me. I’m a night person. So, in this new landscape I find myself in, where I don’t have anything specific to get up for, the solution would be easy, sleep in. Yet, I can’t sleep in anymore. 8:26-8:30 on the button.
Instead of waking up next to Michelle, I wake up next to anxiety. Anxiety woke up before me and was creepily watching me sleep, waiting for me to wake up.
I’ve been writing about the ongoing struggle with uncertainty, but somedays it gets the best of me.
I worry about money. Everything I buy doesn’t get replaced with income right now. I worry about housing. Where can I stay longer term? How will I afford it? I worry about timing. How do I get fast tracked here, when it’s evident that “making it” is a long haul? I worry, how long Michelle and I can do this? But, I’m not on firm enough footing to have Michelle pick up and move as well. There are others, but those are the basics.
Sometimes, they’re just on a carousel in my mind, circling around.
The root of all of them is discomfort with uncertainty. If I take a step back, I ask myself, “Do I really think I won’t EVER get a job?” No, I’m pretty sure I will. “Do I think I won’t EVER find a place to stay?” Maybe, not sure how that one works out. “HOW do I get fast tracked?” I’m not sure, but that is squarely out of my control. “Do I REALLY think I won’t recognize when it is time for one of us to move?” No, I ultimately trust myself, and it will be clear.
When it gets down to it, I don’t really believe a lot of the uncertainty doubts, yet I allow them too loud of a voice, and let them steal a lot of my energy. I spend too much time trying to figure things out, when the outcome is yet to be determined, meaning it can’t yet be “figured out.” What a joy stealing endeavor. When the carousel is spinning with anxiety below the surface, I also have a hard time prioritizing my thoughts for the day, because below the surface needs to be dealt with. If I can step back and ask myself those types of questions I mentioned, I’m usually good, for some reason I don’t always do that.
Honestly, I’m writing this while I’m not feeling anxious, but Sunday I was. If I were truly honest, I would write while I’m feeling that way, but I don’t like to. I’m not feeling anxious as I write this, because, like an adult, I actually went to bed at a reasonable time, so I got a good amount of sleep. It’s amazing what a difference that makes.
This morning when I woke up, Anxiety took off before I got up, like in movies when people sleep with each other too soon, and the guest quietly picks up their clothes and leaves early while the other one is still sleeping, because they are ashamed.
Be ashamed anxiety. Just like in movies, we’ll meet up again soon and it will be awkward. We’ll run into each other in a coffee shop after a couple of weeks. You’ll say, “Hey,” and I’ll say, “Hey.” Then we’ll stare at our feet and look at our phones. “You’ll say, “You look good,” and I’ll say, “Thanks,” but I won’t return the compliment, because you’re trying too hard to fit in at the Beautiful Starbucks.