Day 115. I Need to Be, And Not to Do

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I’m not getting the response I want in stand up? That’s okay, I just want stand up to get me into acting, and really I’m an improviser.

Audition goes bad? That’s okay, stand up and improv are what I excel at.

Things are a bit of a struggle in improv? That’s okay, I have stand up, and I came here to act.

These are common thoughts that play out in my head. It’s like a constant process of quickly trying to justify and make difficult situations work mentally. I think these are the things we have to do when what we do defines who we are. What happens, though, when those things run out, or when they all aren’t going well? I think the process is exhausting and unsustainable. I think it’s false.

I used to work with junior high kids. In junior high, the kids are all trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. Often, they will find that one thing and cling to it. I’m the basketball player, I’m the hot girl, I’m good at school, etc. If they can’t find a typical one, they’ll make one up, just to have something. You’ve seen it before, they don’t do a very good job of hiding it. They’re just trying so hard.

I think that we don’t ever lose that desire.

I think aging is often just figuring out how to mask it better.

I think it is still there for most people. This journey how here for me has been an opportunity to confront that. I didn’t have to confront it in my previous life, because, I wasn’t routinely setting myself up for rejection. What if I’m the funny guy, but there are others here who are just as funny, or more funny. What if some of those people also happen to be really good looking? I’m screwed.

I can either start the hard work of justifying and making it work mentally. I can convince myself, “It’s okay, that’s not really my thing, my thing is something else.” Or I can excuse myself from that mental game.

I want to excuse myself, but my ego says, “We have to keep fighting. Save me.” I have to ignore it.

I need to be, and not to do.

I think there is another way.

I thought of these things as I rode my bike to the subway and went downtown to get out of my immediate environment. As I mentioned before, I love downtown LA. I went to a coffee shop that was located in an alley. It felt like Prohibition, if Prohibition outlawed coffee. I got a free cookie, because I checked in with Yelp. Also, their sandwiches were half off.

While I was there, I submitted to the New York Comedy Festival for stand up. Why they hell not, right?

I realized that I had not actually been submitting for any roles on Actor’s Access because I hit “Complete Submission,” but not “Check Out,” afterwards. I had not got one audition through them and was beginning to wonder. I’m an idiot.

When I got home, I washed the sheets for Michelle’s sake. She cares about such thing. She will get here late Friday night!


1 Comment

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One response to “Day 115. I Need to Be, And Not to Do

  1. Matthew

    God made us Human Beings..not Human Doings. My favorite quote.

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