Day 141. Exhausted

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I’m not much of a complainer, there are people who have really real big bad problems, I don’t claim to be one of them. And, like most people, I prefer to talk about my struggles when they’re in the past and the lessons have been learned. With that said, I want for this to be blog to be an honest account of my journey. I soak it up when I hear someone talking in the present about their difficulties. I wish people did more of that. I might as well start with me.

I’m exhausted.

In my old life, I had a job, and another career acting, performing, and writing. People came to me with opportunities for  a lot of different things and I had to learn to turn them down because I was becoming too busy with them.

I live in the opposite world of that now.

Nothing would come to me if I wasn’t constantly working and striving to go out and get things. No one is going to hire me if don’t sit online applying for jobs for a good chunk of the day. I’m not going to get any acting work if I don’t constantly beat the bushes. Any reels or promo videos I want to have I have to do them myself, while learning how to do it along the way. No one is asking me to do stand up, I have to pursue. Then, when I do get opportunities, I feel like I’m faking my way through them. Plus, there is the money part of the equation, because each day I don’t have income feels more and more like a heavy reality, and adds question marks to my housing situation.

Michelle and I talked last night that I’m too focused on all these things and have difficulty prioritizing her and being in the present with all these other things floating around. She’s right, everything seems to have the same urgency, and the urgency is that it should have already been figured out.

If I was just moving out here on my own as a single guy, or I was moving out here with Michelle, I think I would get a job, settle in, and if I need to take an acting class, I would save up and do that in like December. I feel like the constraints of being away from Michelle and needing to decide if she is going to move out here sometime soon, or if I will go back at a certain point makes the whole thing feel rushed and hurried.

Not being able to be present with Michelle makes me think that I’m failing at all of them. Whatever I prioritize my time with, I’m sacrificing the other things on the list.

I really believe that the best things come to us when we’re in a balanced place between effort and letting things come. Right now, I’m almost entirely effort. That striving and running is making me exhausted. I feel like I can’t rest until I get settled, but I can’t get settled because I can’t rest.

I have the urge to put a “lessons learned” bow on the end of this post, but I’m not really there right now. These are not all consuming feelings, but it’s honest nonetheless.

I’ve got blisters and cramps, but I’ve got to keep running.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Day 141. Exhausted

  1. Pilgrim

    Jeff, we’re all proud of your decision and your bravery. Keep holding that rope. Your time is coming. And if it’s not in the cards, you’ll find something else that satisfies both your creative urge and the monetary needs all of us have. I’m sure that I’m not the only one living vicariously through your adventure. Keep plugging along. The rest will work out.

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