Day 147. Abraham Maslow Confronts Me in a Park

Monday, July 18, 2011

I talked to an old friend today. I didn’t even know he was in LA. We hadn’t been in touch for awhile, so we met up at a park. Actually, you may know him, his name is Abraham Maslow, he was famous awhile back.

Here was our conversation:

Jeff: Abe! It’s good to see you!

Abraham: Hey, Jeff, we need to talk.

Jeff: Cool, let’s chat. How’s Cindy?

Abraham: She’s fine. Listen, I’ve been reading your blog, and I have some concerns.

Jeff: Is it because I whine too much?

Abraham: Well, not really. You see, Jeff, remember back in high school when I came up with the theory of the Hierarchy of Needs?

Jeff: Yeah, man, if I recall, you got like an A+ on that. Almost as good as Chuck Pythagoras’s Theorum Project for Geometry Honors

Abraham: Yeah, it actually became pretty famous. It’s in textbooks, people have to learn about it and stuff, it’s called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. You see, the idea behind it is that you first meet your physiological needs, followed by safety, love/belonging, self esteem, and finally self-actualization. But, you can’t get out of order and skip around, or there will be tension. You need to worry about food before you worry about self esteem, right?

Jeff: I get it, like the food pyramid.

Abraham: No.

Jeff: Like a pyramid scheme?

Abraham: No.

Jeff: Like a ponzi scheme?

Abraham: You have to fulfill your basic physical needs, before you can get to self esteem and self actualization. You see, you’ve been talking a lot on your blog about self actualization, and pursuing your dreams, and big ideas about who you are, etc., and yet, at the same time you aren’t taking care of a sinus infection, you don’t eat, and you stopped exercising because you don’t eat, also you don’t know how long you will have your current shelter. See, you’ve flipped the pyramid upside down.

Jeff: Like an ice cream cone falling on the cement.

Abraham: What?

Jeff: That reminds me of the time I dropped an ice cream cone on the ground when I was a kid…

Abraham: Jeff…

Jeff: Wait, now I relate it to something I did today…

Abraham: Jeff…

Jeff: Hold on, I’m about it to weave it into some fundamental and deep truth about who we all are as people.

Abraham: That’s the problem, Jeff. If you drop your ice cream cone on the ground, you need to pick it up and eat it because you are losing vital weight.

Jeff: We need to be the ice cream cone. Even though we fell to the ground, we owe it to ourselves to get back up.

Abraham: Listen, Jeff, people think my Hierarchy of Needs is a big deal.

Jeff: Not as big as the wedgie I gave you in 9th grade.

Abraham: You’re impossible.

Jeff: Oh yeah, what if I told you I have something called Houghton’s Schmierarchy of Fleeds? Yeah, it’s about how, first you need to blog everyday, and then look up funny videos of people getting hit in the crotch on Failblog, and then pet an old dog, and then got to a beautiful coffee shop, and then, and only then, can you heat up a Lean Pocket.

Abraham: I don’t know how you’re still alive.

Jeff: I was going to say the same thing to you.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Day 147. Abraham Maslow Confronts Me in a Park

  1. Pilgrim

    Maslow was a pu**y teacher’s pet. You were right to give him the wedgie. Got any more Hot Pockets?

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