Day 163. Top 16 Unwritten Facebook Rules

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I have to admit, my pre-employed life has involved more Facebook time than my old days (By the way, pre-employed sounds way better than unemployed. I will be starting my job in a week and a half).

In that time, I’ve learned a lot about Facebook. Here is my list of unwritten Facebook rules.

Jeff Houghton’s Unwritten Facebook Rules

1. When look at someone else’s photos while Facebook stalking, remember that their profile pictures are how they would like the world to see them, the photos not in an album are how the world actually sees them, and the untagged photos you can’t see are in their  no way in hell anyone is associating that face with me category.

2. If you are changing your relationship status from “In a Relationship” to “Single” do it in the middle of the night, it might get buried before people can see it. If you’re changing your status from “In a Relationship” to “Engaged” do it during peak usage time.

3. If a friend apparently hasn’t updated their status in a long time, you have been de-friended. It’s not them, it’s you.

4. The term de-friending should be expanded to real life things. “Ryan didn’t break up with me, he de-boyfriended me.”

5. If you feel compelled to make a political statement, do so at your own risk. If you’ve searched your soul and feel you must, then make the statement universal about how Congress is overpaid and doesn’t understand regular Americans. Everyone can get behind that, except your Congressman, who was only friends with you for political reasons anyway.

6. Upload pictures of babies, whether you have one of your own, or not.

7. Never censor yourself from expressing your feelings of the weather, it reminds people that you are alive and that you like to complain. If you live in Southern California, don’t mention the weather ever.

8. If one of your friends ‘likes’ a video, or ‘recommends’ a link, and it appears to be strangely sexual, DON’T CLICK ON IT!, it will only serve to publicly damage your reputation.

9. You know your friend who has a ton of friends? You know the one who is very Facebook active? Don’t comment on anything they post. The rest of your day will be filled with notifications of other’s comments you don’t care about.

10. Be on top of wishing people Happy Birthday. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t spoken to them for a decade, you want them to want to hear from you.

11. After your birthday, you are obligated to put out a status proclaiming these exact words, “Thanks for all the birthday wishes, I had a great day. I have the best friends in the world.”

12. Don’t poke. Anyone. Ever.

13. If you are going to start a chat conversation, decide what you want to talk about first. Saying, “Hey,” does not a conversation make. It will be greeted with an eye roll on the other end.

14. Do not post after 2 AM, you’re way too honest at that hour.

15. If you are a woman, you cannot smile in a picture, you have to make a kissy face. Failure to comply will get you kicked off of Facebook.

16. Be sure to post a link to every blog you ever write.

In other news, I had another game show audition today. I’ve figured them out. 1. Have energy. 2. Say a few things that are unexpected. “That pen you have with the feathers on the end is crazy! I used to have a rooster.” 3. Answer their leading questions with the answer they’re looking for. “So, would you say you’re a risk taker?” “Yes, I’m a risk taker. I love taking risks. If I see a risk, I take it.”



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4 responses to “Day 163. Top 16 Unwritten Facebook Rules

  1. Here’s something I’ve noticed about Facebook.. some people who are my Facebook friends I actually like better ON Facebook than in real life. They are much nicer, much funnier and overall less annoying. Crazy that.

  2. Those game show auditions are so demeaning, aren’t they?
    “So why do you think you would make a good game show contestant?”
    “Because I’m awesome and I hate my job and I want some damn free money!”

  3. Kristin Molenaar

    Hilarious!!! I love this post!

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