Sunday, August 7, 2011
As I’m back in the Midwest for a few days I’m reminded of the differences between Hollywood and the Midwest. Besides the obvious, like weather and the beauty of the clientele within chain coffee shops. The way people talk is different. As someone who exists in both worlds, here is a translation of various phrases.
Midwest- “I can’t come to your birthday party, it will take like 45 minutes to drive there.”
Hollywood- “Sure, I’ll be at your party soon, it’s only like a 45 minute drive.”
Verdict- 45 minutes in a car in Los Angeles is like Super Tecmo Bowl time, it just goes faster than regular time. Hollywood wins.
Midwest- “I have a meeting a four o’clock.”
Hollywood- “I’m taking a meeting at four o’clock.”
Verdict-Taking a meeting sounds way cooler. It sounds like the meeting is yours to own. Just having a meeting is such a mutual thing. Hollywood wins.
Hollywood- “It’s really hot outside today, I was sweating under my stocking cap sitting precariously on the back of my head.”
Midwest- “It’s really hot outside today, my leg hairs burned off in the sun and part of my thigh dripped onto the sidewalk.”
Verdict- Stop whining, Hollywood. Midwest wins.
Midwest- “Dang, I got a parking ticket, there goes $5.”
Hollywood- “Dang, I got a parking ticket, looks like my kid is going to community college now.”
Verdict- There is no doubt on this one, Midwest wins. Did you know that in LA the parking enforcement cars have cameras on the top of the car that reads the license plates of the parked cars, so if you are in a 2 hour parking spot, it will know when the time is up. There is no getting around it. When I was a kid, it was a cop with a piece of chalk marking on the tire, you could just rub it off. Midwest wins, unless you’re on the side of Big Brother.
Midwest- “A guy from my hometown is going to be on Judge Judy.”
Hollywood- A guy from my hometown owns Judge Judy.”
Verdict-No one wins in this scenario.
Hollywood- “I saw the paparazzi chasing a girl downtown today.
Midwest- “I saw a girl getting her senior pictures taken downtown today.”
Verdict- The Midwest wins this one, paparazzi is no good for anyone.
Midwest- “I love my two bedroom house. I got it for $100,000.”
Hollywood- “I love my two bedroom house. I got it for $1.1 million and the promise of my first born son.
Verdict- Midwest wins this one, $100,000 gets you a crawl space in Hollywood.
Hollywood- “It’s fun to try to guess if the woman you see walking on Sunset is actually a woman, or is a transvestite.”
Midwest- “It’s fun to try to guess if the man you see walking dresses up like a woman at home after the sun sets.
Verdict- Hollywood wins this one, things are more healthy when they’re out in the open.
Hollywood- “It’s hot today, I’m heading to the beach, and then I’m going to hike in the mountains tomorrow.
Midwest- “It’s hot today, I’m heading to PacSun in the mall, they have a sale on sandals. Tomorrow it’s supposed to snow.
Hollywood- “I have friends that are from Malaysia, Haiti, are gay, and are actual Communists.”
Midwest- “Jerry is from Peoria.”
Verdict-Hollywood wins this one. Midwest has some diversity, but not nearly as much.
Hollywood- “It’s important to have the right look. Know what your look is, cultivate it.”
Midwest- “Look! That person keeps looking at himself in the window. He doesn’t know we can see him in here. He just keeps looking.
Verdict- Midwest wins this one. Vanity in Hollywood is like Wall St before the market crashed, it’s out of control and completely unregulated.
Hollywood- “We’re going to do a table read this afternoon, so you don’t have to be off book yet.
Midwest- I’m going to read a book on this table this afternoon.
Verdict- Hollywood wins, table reading is better than actual reading.
Hollywood- “Jeff, you are particularly pale.”
Midwest- “Jeff, you are particularly pale.”
Verdict- Jeff loses.
Hollywood and the Midwest is a toss up in this list, which is exactly how I feel.