Day 169. I’m Ethnically Unambiguous

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I can’t get work in commercials because of the Brawny Man. It’s true. The Brawny Man is not what he used to be, a few years ago, he changed. Gone, is the pale skin and the light colored hair, in is the ethnically ambiguous man.

Here’s the thing, I was born in the wrong decade. If I really wanted to make it in Hollywood, particularly commercials, I would have buckled down and been born in the ’50s. I’m not appreciated enough in my time because of one term, “ethnically ambiguous.”

Ethnically ambiguous is the buzzword for advertising these days. Basically, it’s a description for a person whose looks are ambiguous ethnically. Make sense, right? If you were to see them, you wouldn’t be able to easily put them in an ethnic category. Usually, ethnically ambiguous people are are olive complected with dark hair and have interesting eyes.

In other words, the opposite of me.

I want to be them.

However, no amount of fake tan and hair coloring could get me there. I will always be fair and pink. The only ambiguity in my ethnicity is the question, “Is that guy from Iowa, or Missouri?” I totally get it. It represents the changing look of our country. If I head up a company and I want to appeal to the broadest group of people, and I only have one, or a handful of people in an advertisement to represent my company, it only makes sense to feature people who look like the broadest base of consumers. Makes total sense.

But, it creates a scenario where no one seems to remember the forgotten group, the ethnically unambiguous. You see a picture of me, you say, “That’s a white guy if I’ve ever seen one!” This is not just about white people, what about the Chinese people who look Chinese, or the African Americans who are clearly African Americans? We’re ethnically unambiguous, and we want to work too.

What happened to the good old days? Pale people used to have a run of the place in the ’70s, it was like every company advertising was IKEA. Check it out.

See, look at all of that pale glory. Apparently, you didn’t even have to be good looking back then, too! It was perfect. Now, you have to be ethnically ambiguous and good looking. The standards are way too high. Also, what the hell is a love rug? If you don’t vomit in your mouth easily, then you should click on that last one. That guy was supposed to symbolize sex back then? If I grew my hair out, I would look exactly like him, and I’m clearly not a sex symbol, I’m more of an abstinence symbol.

Look at the difference in today’s advertising.

Look at them, I have no idea where their ancestors are from. Plus, they’re all sexy and crap. They’re mysterious, I’m see through. This is why I have decided to form a new organization called, D.E.U.C.E. Dudes who are Ethnically Unambiguous Coalition for Equality. We don’t want special rights, we just want equal rights. Yes, you can make a fairly accurate educated guess about where we’re from. No, we’re not particularly sexy.

Just like an IKEA product, we’re cheap. We may break down in just a few years, but when people come to your house, and see your table with one leg broken, they say, “I know where that’s from, that’s from IKEA.” We’re your broken table from IKEA.

It is time for Hollywood and advertisers to take notice. It’s time for DEUCE to be heard from again. We’re not asking for much. We just ask, that next time you’re considering talent for your next advertisement in GQ, consider this thought to yourself.

I would like to drop a DEUCE in this GQ magazine.

P.S. I had my brother take a shirtless picture of me like the guy in the Love Rug ad. I kept it in the post for a long time deciding whether or not to keep it, but then I remembered that anything you put on the internet is out of your control. On the off chance I want to do anything professional in my future, I took it down. Just know that it’s out there.



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6 responses to “Day 169. I’m Ethnically Unambiguous

  1. Dear God, that photo is going to pop up out of a bucolic scene on my computer one day like that Linda Blair pic that scares the shit out of people all the time. Nice.

  2. Jaimie Mo

    Preach on, my fellow translucent friend! We are white and nerdy – love us anyway!

  3. 1. Must see that photo
    2. Must drop a DEUCE

  4. Rob White

    Between the deuce-dropping and rug-rolling, this was a most revealing post, if only in our imaginations.

  5. I have heard of Herby the “Love bug” but never a “love rug”.

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