Day 175. Exciting News on the Economic Front

Monday, August 15, 2011

JHEI Employment Numbers Rise 100%

WASHINGTON D.C.- The White House released optimistic employment numbers today pointing to a turning point in the long awaited economic recovery. “We caution that this does not mean that the economy has recovered, we just took a huge step in the right direction,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney.”We are happy to announce that in a cramped hotel conference room, Jeff Houghton started working today.” The Jeff Houghton Employment Index (JHEI), rose by 100% just today. The JHEI, does not tell the entire story of the employment numbers, but is a key figure in the overall national employment calculations. 13.9 million people are unemployed in this country, down from 13.9 million and 1 on Sunday.

President Obama was particularly upbeat at a speech in Iowa today. “Now, we still have a long road to hoe to get this thing turned around, but if Jeff Houghton can get a job it can only mean good things for the rest of the country,” said Obama to the cheering crowd, “I mean he’s the bottom of the barrel when it comes to employable Americans.” By the time Obama finished speaking, the crowd was worked into a frenzy. “Our nation’s credit rating was just lowered, the recession is threatening to double dip, the stock market is volatile at best, but today, America should be encouraged because if that scrawny pale excuse for an adult convinced someone that he was worthy of hire, then maybe America can convince China of our worthiness as well,” concluded Obama.

The JHEI numbers have not been this high since mid-February before Jeff Houghton voluntarily took himself out of the category of employed. It has been a rough 5 months, primarily in the Michelle Houghton Sugar Mama Patience Scale (MHSMPS). The MHSMPS had recently threatened to pull funding altogether and demand that Jeff Houghton move headquarters back to Missouri.

“This is of course, good news,” said Bryan Davis, lead analyst at Bunnings Institute, “but we’ve yet to see how the Host Family Mooching Tolerance Indicator (HFMTI) reacts to this news.” The HFMTI is a fairly stable indicator historically, but also mysterious. One juice spill on the expensive living room carpet could send the indicator crashing, regardless of employment numbers.

In a rare move, Speaker of the House, John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid released a joint statement today praising the numbers. “Our national politics has never been more partisan than in recent weeks, but we find hope in these numbers. If Jeff Houghton and employment, two diametrically opposed realities can find common ground, even work together, then surely we can do the same. America!”

On the heels of a wild day of trading on Wall Street, with the DOW rising by 841 points in response to the news, Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, cautioned against euphoria. “Keep in mind, this is still Jeff Houghton we’re talking about, we’re only one day in,” warned Bernanke. “He could still easily eff this up.”

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Day 175. Exciting News on the Economic Front

  1. Leora Houghton

    This is truly hysterical to me!

  2. Pilgrim

    Too bad the Jeff Houghton Under Employment Index (JHUEI) didn’t budge. Still hoping for some market fluctuation there.

    Congrats.

    PS: That threat of the removal of funding from MHSMPS, if real, could damage future indicators.

  3. I am so very happy were able to find employment! And I loved this one, awesome writing skillz yo!

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