Day 180. The Internet Sucks

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Today, I sat at a coffee shop and wrote some of this screenplay that I’ve been working on. You would like it. Want to know why I was able to sit down and write it? Because the coffee shop didn’t have wi-fi. First, a coffee shop without wi-fi doesn’t make sense, it’s like a pizza without cheese. Secondly, without the Internet, I was able to concentrate enough to write it. The Internet is the opposite of efficiency.

The Internet sucks.

Yes, I’m aware that this blog is being communicated through the medium of the Internet, but it still holds true. Yes, I believe that the Internet provides much more good than bad, and I can’t imagine life without it at this point, but my statement above is still true.

The Internet sucks.

Now, I’m old enough that I used a computer before the Internet was around. I wrote papers on a computer without the distraction of the Internet. Yes, it is true that I would distract myself by playing Minesweeper, or Solitaire, or Mahjong, or a Home Alone game that was particularly fun. But the Internet just adds so much more for the mind looking for distraction.

The Internet sucks.

If I have a particular thought at any point during the day, I can look it up in a moment’s notice. It used to be that if I was wondering the name of the actor that played Jonathan on Who’s the Boss, I would just have to wonder. Now, I can know that it was Danny Pintauro in a matter of seconds. Now, I’m stressed if I can’t find out the answer to some trivial thing. The Internet stole wonder away.

The Internet sucks.

Here’s how it usually goes for me. I’m writing along, “La-la-la-la-la-la. Oh, I have arrived at a point that requires some real thought and concentration. Dang it, that seems difficult,” I say to myself. “I’ll let it sit for a moment while I look at Facebook.” A few moments later I will remember, “Oh yeah! I’m trying to write something here!” I will venture back to whatever I’m working on, get a little further, and I will type a phrase that reminds me of something else. I’ll type, “Kill two birds with one stone.” Then, I will think, “I wonder how that phrase originated?” I’ll open a new tab to investigate this pressing matter, go to a website to find out the answer, at which point I will find another phrase listed on the side of the website. Four phrases later, I’m drunk with distraction and I’m typing ‘Billy Ocean’ into Wikipedia because I was reminded of his song, “When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going.”

Fifteen minutes later I’m distraction overdosing as YouTube suggestions have taken me from Billy Ocean to Fine Young Cannibals to Culture Club to MC Hammer, when I finally remember that I was writing something about a hammer.

The Internet sucks.

Yes, it’s great that I can communicate with so many people so far away. But, you know what I did when I was in work training last week and I wasn’t allowed to be looking at my iPhone? I wrote out the alphabet in cursive, lower case and upper case, to see if I could remember. I couldn’t remember how to do an uppercase F for the life of me. I don’t know the last time I wrote a letter to someone. If you gave me one of those wide ruled pieces of paper with the dashes in between the lines that second graders use to learn how to write, and told me to write Foxes are found in Finland, I couldn’t do it. I would fail second grade. Thanks, Internet.

The Internet sucks.

My phone battery died last night when I was hanging out with a friend at a bar. Do you know what I had to do? I had to be present in that moment with my friend. We had to actually talk without exiting the present moment every few minutes. I was having a good time, but it reminded me of a simpler time when if you were bored, you were just bored, and you had to deal with it. Boredom has been crushed by the Internet.

The Internet sucks.

Yes, it is great for when you are an awkward person and/or in an awkward social situation because you can stand by yourself and look something up on your phone. I understand that, although you are alone, you are communicating to everyone, “I know people! They’re just not here! But, as you can tell, I know people!” I get that. But, what if you didn’t have the Internet as your companion? I imagine you would have to talk to real people.  Since when is awkwardness the worst thing in the world? I miss swimming in it.

The Internet sucks.

I don’t need to see anymore videos of guys getting hit in the nuts.

The Internet sucks.

I don’t need to read anymore comments sections under articles.

The Internet sucks.

No, I don’t have time for a short survey.

The Internet sucks.

I’ve never once been interested in a pop up ad.

The Internet sucks

I want my brain back.

The Internet sucks.

Oh, I wonder how brain freeze works when you eat ice cream?

I love the Internet.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Day 180. The Internet Sucks

  1. Leora Houghton

    Oh I am sorry, you are your mother’s son. I used to distract myself by looking up words and phrases in the dictionary when I was studying. Just now I was sending a note to someone via snail. Mail when I decided to look up their address on the Internet. When I got there I instead went to email and sent an email. Then called a friend to report on a Facebook entry by someone else. I was going to take a h short nap but then sat down to read your blog before I had a quick shut eye. After I refilled a prescription by phone, responded to your blog, I remembered that I didn’t have the address I first started to look up on the Internet, but I do know how to say “I hope you are well” in several different ways and different languages because I looked them up on the Internet way back when I was writing the card in the first place! I wonder if there is ADD medication juxtaposition for the Internet!

  2. Leora Houghton

    Whoops, juxtaposition is one of the autocorrect things….maybe I will look that up on the Internet!

  3. Martha

    Hilarious! You just summed up my exact sentiments toward the internet. Loved this!

  4. Boredom has been crushed by the Internet. = Very profound in itself. You speak for many of us with this post.

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