Bonus Post! How to Sound Like You Speak Football

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Bonus post! I’ve been so late in making my posts the last couple of days that I figured I owed a bonus post. As I mentioned, I watched an Iowa football game on Saturday. I also mentioned that I’ve watched a lot of football over the years. So, I speak football, even though I’ve never played organized football.

I know that there are a lot of men and women out there that aren’t football fans, and don’t speak football. So, as a public service announcement with the football season just starting, I’m going to teach you how to act like you speak football.

This is not a list of how to learn football, but a list of how to make it look like you know football. Remember, I’m trying to make it in Hollywood and I work at a computer store, so, at this point, I know how to pretend like I know things.

Here they are, Tips for Sounding Like You Know Football When Speaking to a Football Fan.

1. You don’t have to know much about a particular team to sound like you do. Just learn the quarterback’s name. Then you can say, “How’s _____ looking today?” If the fan responds with an eye roll or a sigh, mirror that with a similar eye roll or sigh. Everyone loves or hates the quarterback, remember that, there is no in between.

2. Never comment on the uniforms. There are few things you can say about uniforms and sound like you know what you’re talking about.

3. Learn about a couple of penalties, then constantly point them out loudly. Holding and pass interference are vague enough penalties, that you could point them out on half the plays. “Aaaww, come on, that was holding! They’ve been holding all game!”

4. Say that this year’s team reminds you of a team from a different year. It doesn’t matter what team, just make sure it is at least fifteen years ago to minimize the follow up questions.

5. Try to work in these words: hot seat, pick-6, beast, four four forty, post route. Just use them periodically, or all together if you think you can pull it off.

6. Don’t ever use the word, “cute.”

7. Talk about a made up time you went to a game. You don’t have to have ever actually been to a game, just be sure you talk about how it was cold, but you stayed until the end, unlike the pansies who left early.

8. If you have any ailment, any ailment at all, be sure to mention that it’s an “old gridiron” injury. “Ooh, the old knee is acting up again, it’s an ‘old gridiron injury.’” Or, “Boy, my eczema is killing me, it’s an ‘old gridiron’ injury.”

9. Use a lot of onomatopoeia. “Bam” works, so does “squish” and “oof.”

10. Remember, Notre Dame sucks. No one likes them.

11. Say, “Can you believe that scandal?” When they say, “Oh, you mean at _______ University? Nod vigorously and say “Yes.”

12. Lots of high fives. When you think you’ve done too many, do more.

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