Day 203. “A Large Bear with a Handgun.” Top 10 Camping Rules

Monday, September 12, 2011

Michelle and I decided last minute to go camping on Sunday night. We piled everything in the car and headed south. It was perfect camping. Often in the Midwest, it’s a little humid, but it wasn’t last night. We were in the middle of nowhere, there was a zero percent chance of rain, and the weather was perfect.

You can have the right circumstances to make for a great camping trip, but if you don’t follow the camping rules, you can still miss out on a good time.

Here are the Top 10 Camping Rules

1. Choose your companions wisely. Keep in mind, you don’t have the normal distractions from your annoying friend’s foibles. You are stuck with them, and you have the temptation of fire.

2. No one has ever woken up while camping and felt well rested, do not plan on this. The sweatshirt that you are using as a pillow will feel a rock by morning.

3. There is a 100% chance that in the night you will hear an animal pacing around your tent. This is most likely a large bear with a handgun. Remain afraid.

4. In the morning you will be tempted to try to extend the fun by going for a hike, or something. Resist this, no one ends up happy on this excursion.

5. The rules you used to abide by for sanitation and cleanliness no longer apply. The “five second” rule becomes the “just blow on it” rule.  Hot dogs are only made with the best ingredients. Toilet paper is optional.

6. Watch out for the guy who is “going to get firewood,” when you first arrive. He will be gone, only to inexplicably reappear when all the firewood has been found and the tents are put up. He will be holding one stick.

7. Every person you are with will claim that their s’more making technique is the best. It’s not true, your’s is.

8. Throw rocks at something, anything.

9. There is one person amongst you that wants to be in charge of the fire. Let them be in charge of it. I repeat, let them be in charge of it. Some people just need to do this. If you do not let them, they will just watch the others make the fire and continually make sighing noises and say things like, “you need to let it breathe,” and “a fire needs oxygen.” Let’s face it, they are going to take over the reins eventually, save an argument and let them do it from the beginning.

10. Do not camp in your backyard, no matter how fun it sounds. Keep in mind, the reason you have a backyard is because you have a house…with a bed in it.

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