Day 213. Guest Blogger: The Dog Next Door.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I’ve written about this dog that lives next door before. I love dogs. I hate him. He barks incessantly, sometimes it’s at night, and always it’s in the morning. The houses here are closer together, so you just kind of accept more noise, but this dog takes it to another level. I’m uncomfortable with hate in my heart, there are two sides to every story, so I took the opportunity to let the dog have his say. This morning, I took my laptop over as an olive branch and knocked on the door. I gave Barney his opportunity to speak.

The following is from Barney, the dog.

What’s up party people? I can’t say that I was shocked that the wiener of a pale man next door dropped off his laptop to let me have my say. It’s time for Barney to be heard. There is nothing I love more than being heard…except maybe ’90s rap.

Now, let me address the accusations brought upon me by my rival, the Pale Man.


What does that mean to you? I can tell you what it means to me. It means that I can do whatever I want as long as I am on my property. Once you start infringing on a property owner’s rights, we’ve lost the very fabric of our country’s understanding of freedom. Let me break this down so different people can understand, I’m just saying what the Founders once said, “Don’t Tread on Me.” I’m just saying what the Tea Party says, “I’m angry, get off my lawn!” I’m just saying what Ice T said, “F@#k the Police.”

Certainly, there are those that will point out that I am a dog, and as such, do not own my home, nor pay rent. This is true. However, my accuser pays exactly the same rent payment as me, so this point is moot. Booyah! Maybe we’re both dogs.

Why do I bark?

Fair question. First, I lack the vocabulary to articulate all of my inner thoughts vocally. If you had to translate “bark” into English, I suppose it would be, “hey.” However, this is not always the case. What sounds like the same barking noises can actually mean a variety of things, depending on the situation.

I hear a noise

What you hear: Bark!

What is intended: I’m warning you noise maker, I’ll grab my gat.

A car drives by

What you hear: Bark!

What is intended: Do I hear some 24″ rims? Holla back! I wish I was rollin’ in my 5.0 with my ragtop down, so my hair can blow.

I hear nothing but silence.

What you hear: Bark!

What is intended: Hey, Pale Man, remember me? How’s your nap? Good.

This brings me to my next point. I know that the Pale Man seems to be claiming that I bark in order to harm him personally. This could not be further from the truth, most of the time I bark in order to harm him personally. See what I did there? I’m Jay-Z, he’s just Nas. The winner has been decided.

Indeed, I do try to pester, annoy, and discombobulate the Pale Man. Why? Because we’re locked in the age old battle of man versus animal. Also, I do not like him.

Let me confront the accusations he has made against me point by point.

1. I intentionally bark when he is sleeping.


2. I know when he is sleeping.

-True. I installed motion sensors in his room with the help of the dog that lives with his host family. He thought they were friends. They are not.

3. I am only angry because I have been neutered.

-False. It is a big reason, but not the only one. Plus, it can be a positive, I got 99 Problems…

4. It is always funny when a dog drags his butt across the floor.


I don’t want to make any grand proposals of reconciliation with the Pale Man. Conversely, this is a call to arms, or as I prefer to say, a call to legs. The battle continues. Bark back at me if it makes you feel better, Pale Man. I don’t give a doodie in the yard. This is a turf war and there are going to be casualties, there will be no California Love.

Editor’s Note: There was the distinct smell of dog urine on my keyboard when I got it back.

Barney’s Note: Yeah, that’s right.

Editor’s Note: How did you type that after I got the computer back?

Barney’s Note: I’ll never tell.




1 Comment

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One response to “Day 213. Guest Blogger: The Dog Next Door.

  1. Scott

    HAHAHAHAHA! So many rap references!!! My love for anyone who makes rap references, man animal or manimal, is huge!! So love for the brothers, I poured some out on the block for the homies, and as Tupac says “To live and die in LA, where everyday we try to fatten our pockets”

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