Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Today, I basically worked, and then went to a stand up show with my stand up friend, Lisa, at the Improv. It was a pretty good show. Then, a girl from my first improv class here was performing in the next show, so she got us into the next show for free. Booyah. It was really good. Look at me, running into people I know.
Today, I want to talk about plastic surgery. If you want to know my credentials for speaking on this subject, consider two things. One, this post, I wrote to all women. Two, I work at an upscale mall next to Beverly Hills. I’ve seen more women with plastic surgery than Joan Rivers in a house of mirrors. It’s unreal, I barely notice it anymore, which is not to say that it’s not noticeable. Like, a woman with her lips done, I’m just numb to it.
Open Letter to Women Considering Plastic Surgery
Hello, it’s me, Jeff. This is a safe place. It has come to my attention that you’re contemplating plastic surgery. You’ve gotten to a certain age, where you’ve started thinking that you’re past your prime. You’ve started thinking that you don’t look as good as you used to. You’ve probably done research as to how it all works, and what procedure you are considering. Or, maybe, you haven’t gotten that far.
Well, I consider myself an expert, due to my time working in the field. I have immersed myself in the world of the clients of plastic surgery, and I’ve come out with some findings. It’s like I’m Dian Fossey embedding herself with gorillas. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to compare women with plastic surgery to gorillas.
Here is my advice to you:
Don’t. Just don’t.
No matter how much you’re feeling tempted to get plastic surgery, don’t do it. It doesn’t look right. Women that have plastic surgery done don’t look younger, they look differenter.
Here are the basic looks of women:
-Women with Plastic Surgery
See, it has it’s own category, it doesn’t fit into any of the other categories. You don’t move from old woman to woman. Now, let’s look at the different types of plastic surgery and the effects it has on the woman’s appearance.
Facelift. Have you ever seen a latex glove? That is our normal face skin. Have you ever seen one stretched over a hand that it is too small for? Good, but that’s not what a facelift looks like. Have you ever seen someone blow a latex glove up over their face? That’s what a facelift looks like.
Nose job. I would say these are less noticeable on the outside, and sometimes they work. That is, until, your nose falls off into your tortilla soup on a brisk day.
Eyebrow raising. It does make you look more feminine, and it also makes you look shocked all the time. It always looks like you’ve just walked in on a murder in progress.
Collagen injection in lips. This one has clearly not been mastered yet. I don’t know the actual process to accomplish this look, but my guess is that the doctor creates an incision in both the upper and lower lip, and then stuffs a gummy worm into each lip. If you’re a fan of having the ability to purse your lips, and yet you decided to get collagen injections, then you can kiss that ability goodbye. Nevermind, you can’t kiss anymore.
Boob job. Have you ever heard a guy that you respect complain about boobs being too small? No, it’s only ever jerks. You don’t like them already, why would you try to impress them? Also, big boobs are often paired with high heels, which in my mind makes for an extreme risk of balance/tipping over issues. If you’re going to go that route, be sure you have your inner ears done as well.
Chin job. No. Stop it.
Botox. If it was called “Sausage Poison” would you still want it? Because that is what Joseph Kerner, the physician credited with using it for therapeutic reasons, first called it. Before you get Botox done, put some sausage out on your back porch for a week, then eat it. If putting sausage poison into your body is cool with you, then, congrats, you’re a perfect candidate for Botox.
Braces. Isn’t this just slow moving orthodontist-sanctioned plastic surgery? Nevermind, in the interest of full disclosure, I can’t speak on this subject, I recently had them.
Now, often just one of these items isn’t so noticeable and terrible, but let’s put all these together and see what we get. You will look like a woman with a gleaming stretched out face, perpetually witnessing a murder, who can’t really express it, but is worried that she may tip over and lose her nose in a broth, that she wouldn’t be able to sip anyway, because her lips can’t purse.
Thank you for considering what I have included in my letter. I respect where you are at in your life, I just want you make a fully informed decision on your potential adventure toward plastic surgery. Remember, even if you already have all of this plastic surgery, you can still accomplish great things. You haven’t changed on the inside. You can still conquer the Empire State Building like King Kong. Oh, sorry, another gorilla reference. My bad.