Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I had to drop Michelle off at the airport again. If someone was making us do this I would call them cruel, I don’t know what to say when it is our choice. We’ve had to say goodbye as the other went two time zones away seven times now this year.
We had lunch at a French place called Church and State, it is this great restaurant hidden amongst old warehouses. We were talking about what-ifs for us going forward and I realized something. For so long I had always assumed the negative when considering the future, but I heard myself telling Michelle, honestly, how I was sure things would work out. I’ve needed this experience to flip my view towards the future. Previously, I had felt the constraints of my life, more than I felt optimism. Michelle and I still have constraints, in some ways more, but I feel the optimism more than the constraints. This doesn’t mean that I don’t wake up a lot of mornings groggy freaking out about what is going to happen, it just means that optimism wins more often now.
Here is a good saying that I made up, but sounds like a quote from someone important.
I theorize about things when I ponder them,
I believe things when I see them,
I am convinced of things when I experience them.
I have found this to be true in so many different ways throughout this entire adventure. I like to theorize about different ideas and ideals a lot. Often times I will start to believe them in an intellectual sense, but I need to experience things to be convinced of them. I have to go through that progression. I feel like some people can be convinced of things about themselves by just believing them. You know, the people that seem to have irrational confidence. Maybe it’s an act, but it seems to me that some people will actually think, “I bet I can be a stand up comedian, I haven’t done it before, but, yeah, you know, I could definitely do that.” It’s irrelevant whether or not it plays out to be true, they are convinced of it. I’m not that way. I need the experience to be a convincer. Then, sometimes, I will slide backwards and need to be convinced again.
I’m convinced in footprints, not pathways.
I am convinced in what I have been through to this point to help lead me where I’m going, not the paths that were laid out by someone else. This is something that is practically true in my life, if I’m hiking, I can’t stay on the path, I have to go off of it and explore, I just have to. It’s the going off of the path in the dirt that creates footprints, which are what I need (Sidenote: I also always always get poison ivy as well.)
I’ve also been convinced through this adventure how much better things are with Michelle around, it’s as if marriage is meant to be lived together. Trust is probably the biggest thing that needs to be experienced to be convincing for me, and is probably the most important thing I’ve been experiencing on this adventure. I just trust that things will work out and Michelle and I will figure out what we should do next at each step, it helps keep the groggy freaking out at bay.