Day 260. Top Ten Ways To Give the Appearance That You’re Rich

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I’ve known rich people before, and I’ve spent time around rich people in my past. When I moved to Los Angeles, I realized that the rich ceiling extends far higher than I thought it did. People that are rich back home would merely be considered fairly wealthy here. Where I work has both the fairly wealthy and the really rich as customers daily. I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve learned what the indicators are that someone is really rich.

Those of us who aren’t rich often want to give the impression that we have more money than we do and I can understand how, in certain situations, we want to give that impression. I would like to share what I have learned.

Top 10 Ways to Give the Appearance That You’re Rich

1. Add a “Junior” or a “III” to the end of your name. This feels fairly obvious, but if it seems that your dad or grandpa shared your first name it gives the impression that they must have been pretty important (rich). It’s not as if you have to pay a large sum to name your child after yourself, but we seem to be under that impression. You can go all the way up to “V,” but beyond that you just look crazy.

2. Wear something crazy at all times. Wealthy people look well put together, rich people have something about them that is off. “Is that man wearing an otter as a broche? Oh, he must be crazy rich.”

3. You know all of those cats you have? Rename them for various stocks. Then you can talk about them as if they’re stocks, without giving away the fact that you don’t know anything about stocks. Just use examples of real things that happened. “Bancorp Investments really shat on the floor this morning. If I can’t trust Bancorp to know where to shat and where not to shat, who can I trust? You know what I’m saying?”

4. Change the order of the lettering of the brand of your car. You know the lettering on the back of the trunk that will say something like “Honda Accord.” You can peel those off and rearrange them and people will think you have an imported car that must have cost a fortune. Honda Accord can easily become Anoh D’Accord. Sounds French, doesn’t it?

5. Get plastic surgery. No, you don’t need plastic surgery, you look fine, but if you get it, you’re communicating that you’re not happy with things. If you’re not happy with things, then you must be rich. Also, make it obvious, really obvious.

6. One word: Pantaloons.

7. Get an intern. These suckers come free from colleges all across the country. Between you and the college, Trent is working for Future Enterprises, an investment firm. To everyone else, “Whoa, it looks like Jerry hired a butler.” Oh yeah, make him wear a tux.

8. Take $500 out of the bank. This is a lot, I know, but it’s worth it. Stich them together end by end and wrap around a toilet paper roll. Put that roll next to the toilet to give the impression that you actually wipe with 50s. Here’s the key, don’t actually wipe with the 50s! That’s a lot of money!

9. Whenever you’re in public and you answer your phone, always loudly say, “Hello Reginald!” Only rich guys have friends named Reginald. Regular people have friends that are named Reggie. Even if the loud, “Hello Reginald,” is quickly and quietly followed by “Mom, I’m sorry, no, okay, I’ll stop,” it’s okay, just end it with a boisterous, “Too true Reginald, too true!”

10. Specifically talk about how you have a lot of money to anyone that will listen.

Bonus: I thought of this while at work. Swap your first name and your last name. I helped out a guy today named MacMillan. A last name as a first name, and a first as a last is a dead giveaway for a rich guy. Houghton Jeffrey, you know that guy is loaded.

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