Day 266. WASPhro

Monday, November 15, 2011

I got asked to do stand up at a show on Thursday night. Asked. This is a step for me here. It doesn’t pay or nothing, but I’m doing it. It is for a variety show. The bad thing is that I found out after I committed that there is a theme for the night, conspiracies. Um, I do not have much in my stand up that is conspiratorial in nature. I guess I’ll have to talk about my long held belief that Lee Harvey Oswald gave birth to Barack Obama in Kenya. Oswald did not act alone, a not actually on the moon, Neil Armstrong was working as doula. Don’t judge until you know all the facts they don’t want you to know.

Today, I went to an improv rehearsal for our class, then had lunch, then went to class. It was a ton of fun. Then, I went to be relatively early, which is a big success. So…let’s see how many interconnected conspiracy theories I can come up with.

I want a cool haircut. I’ve had pretty much my same haircut my whole life. Really, there is not too much a guy can do. Let’s go over the options.

1. Buzz

2. Standard, shorter on sides, longer on top.

3. Mullet, longer in back, shorter up front.

4. Long hair

5. A random long part, a la the rat tail.

That’s about it. Women have so many possibilities, too many to mention. I feel like my personality, combined with my love of variety, and my desire to stick it to the man would have resulted in long hair by now. A good stick it to the man cut is also the buzz, however my fair skin and overall Aryan looks makes this a personal safety impossibility. The most I’ve done is gone really shaggy. I would have at some point in my life gone with a long hair look, but the truth is I look horrible.

Here is the progression from after I get a haircut.

1) Looks weird immediately. When I walk to my car I always hate it, I look a little like a tennis ball, just yellow and fuzzy.

2) Looks good, like a freshly coifed local newscaster.

3) Longer, on the verge of disorderly.

4) Starts to get more difficult. My hair is very thick.

5) Poofball. I don’t have an Afro, or a Jewfro, I guess you would call it a WASPhro.

6) Feathering. After poofiness subsides a little bit, my hair instinctively starts to feather. I remember liking that I looked like the Dukes of Hazard guys when I was a kid, but since about 1983, this look has not been a popular one.

7) Things start to get wavy. So, at this point, my hair is wavy, poofy, and feathered.

8.) The Rachel. Don’t ask me how.

See, I have one stage where my hair looks good, and it is at the expense of looking like a guy probably named Stett Brockton who covers local volleyball.

Friday I decided to find out if it would work to just get it thinned out, but keep the length the same. I happened to be in Encino, so I stopped in one of the local chains I like. They said they would have to charge me the full price. No way, said I. I had driven by a barber college advertising $5 haircuts earlier, so I went over there. Dang, I arrived 5 minutes after they closed at 7. Today, I happened to be in the same area around 4:30, so I stopped in, only to find out that they close at 4:30. God does not want me to cut my hair! Take that Rev John Lithgow.

I was forced to go to Sport Clips, where the barbers wear referee costumes and they have sports on the TVs. Since it was my first time, I got upgraded to the MVP service for free, which I think entitles the customer to hear all about the barber’s family while you get your haircut. Actually, it means that I got my hair washed, they put a hot towel on my face, and I got a neck rub. I mostly got my hair thinned, but a little taken off as well, we’ll see if it works in my quest against poofiness.

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1 Comment

Filed under Daily Update, Funny, Stories

One response to “Day 266. WASPhro

  1. Funny, I got my hair cut yesterday too. Much less drama though. I only get it cut about once very six months. I’ll suddenly realize, “Hey why does my hair look like crap? Oh yeah, I need a cut.” I’m pretty sure, overall it is definitely a conspiracy.

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