Monday, December 5 2011
Today was pure madness, let’s get started.
6:00 am (PST): Alarm.
6:09 am: Alarm again.
6:13 am: I’m up, I’m up. Check in, yep, I’m still sick.
6:33 am: I’m at Jeremiah’s house, who is kind enough to be driving me to the airport.
6:35 am: I point out that I don’t have very much gas and wish I would have had a full tank.
7:38 am: I’m at the airport. Since I didn’t pay for the flight, I’m flying United, which puts me in the good part of the airport. Usually, I’m in the crappy, discount terminal that is permanently under construction.
8:11 am: I’ve made my way to my gate when I get a text from Jeremiah: “I’ve run out of gas.” Sure enough, Jeremiah ran out of gas on a busy LA street during rush hour.
8:14 am: I have one of this conversations with my mom that everyone has with their mom. “Mom, I just want to know if I have AAA. What? No. Okay, okay, I’ve got to go.” Mom’s deserve better.
8:31 am: I’m having four thoughts circulating in my head. 1. I’m tired. 2. What’s going to happen to my car? 3. Oh yeah, need to be concerned about Jeremiah too. 4. Why did I not just get gas on the way to the airport?
8:50 am: I have to turn off my phone for the flight.
9:33 am: My head is doing the head bobbing sleeping thing. I come dangerously close to snuggling with the man next to me.
11:48 am: I’ve managed to sleep for most of the flight, although, I missed the inflight meal, which is rare these days, especially on the duct tape and silly putty airlines I usually fly on.
4:35 (EST) 1:35 (JBT Jeff’s Body Time): I’ve touched down in beautiful Baltimore. It’s dark.
4:49: Jeremiah’s text tells me he has been rescued. Good.
4:52: Walter calls me. Walter is the man picking me up from the airport. He is a retired guy who seems a little antsy.
4:59: I find Walter. He has my name on a placard. I repeat, he has my name on a placard! I’ve never had that before at an airport. No, he wasn’t wearing a black suit, waiting to put me in a limo. Yes, he was a 70 year old man wearing a jacket, plaid shirt, with a hand written sign waiting to take me away in an ’03 Accord. Yes, that still excited me.
5:13: Walter is telling me stories about Baltimore’s role in the Civil War.
5:29: Turns out Walter is also big into family genealogy.
5:43: Walter’s family first arrived in Baltimore in 1634.
5:51: Walter has only flown 3 times.
5:56: Walter only has nieces, no nephews.
6:21: I arrive at the venue, and by venue I mean a Baptist church.
6:31: Potluck time!
6:32: We’re in the fellowship hall of the church. Not only is this a Baptist church show, it’s for the senior ministry. It’s all old people in Christmas sweaters.
6:41: I think to myself, “Last night at this time, I was at a bar in Hollywood surrounded by twenty somethings. Tonight, I’m in a fellowship hall with people who remember the twenties.” I loved it.
6:53: I try to pretend like I’m not very sick, but I’m pretty sure I still am, a lot.
7:45: We’re playing a short form game that is unfamiliar to me. I come out and have to guess what is going on. Backstage, I try to remember what the game is. All I remember is that Dave has gotten suggestions from the audience and I have to try to guess. Oh well, he’ll just lead me.
7:48: I am reminded that Dave is only allowed to speak in gibberish for this game, so I have to just try to remember what was going on.
8:00: Show’s over. Success!
8:10: A woman who was in the audience (groupie) approaches. I know all too well how this usually goes. I can pretty much guess what she is going to say. She begins to speak, “You guys were great, that was a lot of fun. I’m having belly button surgery on Friday.”
8:11: I was wrong.
8:14: I tweet the following: “Sunday: Show at UCB in LA to young hipsters. Monday: Show in Baltimore to old people at a church. Observation 1: They laugh at different things. Observation 2: They wear the same clothes.”
9:12: I’m in my Ramada hotel room. Does staying in a hotel still really excite me? Yes, yes it does.
9:34: I set my alarm for 3:20. I have to catch a shuttle at 4:00 to make it to my flight at 6:00. Or, as my body understands it. I have to set an alarm at 12:20, to catch a shuttle at 1:00, to make it to my flight at 3:00. Gross.
12:00: I finally go to bed, because I’m an idiot who gets excited to stay up in a hotel room.
3:20: Screw you.
3:29: Screw you big time.
3:38: Fine. Fine. Fine. Check in, yep, I’m still sick, now I have a cough.
3:58: Continental breakfast. Old bagel, Frosted Flakes, unknown pastry.
4:21: I’m the first one at my gate?! There’s hardly anyone around, I feel like I’m at a WNBA game.
6:08: Flight to Cleveland.
6:26: If the stewardess knocks my knee with the cart one more time, I’m going to lose it.
8:01: Boom. Cleveland. For the record, my entire time in Baltimore occurred when the sun was down. Robert Pattinson would have felt at ease.
8:55: I’m back on a plane, this time with no one sitting beside me.
9: 43: I’m able to sleep most of the way.
10:55 (PST) (JBT): Los Angeles. I remember the first time that I arrived at LAX. I felt the air and noticed the palm trees. Today, everything around me was merely an obstacle for me to get to a bed.
2:49: After saying my goodbyes to Jeremiah, I do some things around the house…and go to bed.
LA to show in Baltimore to LA in about 24 hours, just the regular life of a rock star.
I am not a rockstar.