Day 301. Top Ten Guys’ Bathroom Rules

Monday, December 19, 2011

We drove up to Iowa for Christmas. On the way up, we stopped by Kingdom City, which is a town that is comprised of only gas stations, fast food restaurants, and motels. There is one gas station that we always stop at, switch drivers, get some Subway, candy, and use the bathroom. I was using the bathroom and had a thought, “There are a ton of rules for guys in the bathroom, but they are completely unspoken.” I’ve decided it’s time to write the rules down. This may be against some sort of guy rule, I’m not sure, but I’m doing it anyway. I just think it’s fascinating that there are all these understood rules for every guy in our society, yet no one ever taught them to anyone else.

Top Ten Guys’ Bathroom Rules

1) There is a two foot zone near the entrance and surrounding the sinks where you can talk, but those are the only places, no exceptions. You can walk into your stall and find a bag full of gold, do not tell the man in the stall next to you.

2) When using the urinal, you are allowed to put one hand on the wall above you, but not two.

3) If there are three urinals, you are required to go to one end first, if that is taken, go to the other end second, and if that’s taken, you go to a stall third. Never use the middle one if there are only three. If someone is in the middle one by themselves, you go to a stall, don’t stand next to that man, he can’t be trusted.

4) When the relief feels good, you can utter, “Aaaaahhhh,” but you can’t say, “Mmmmmm.”

5) Always wash your hands, or give the impression that you’re washing your hands.

6) To the man using the bathroom in front of me: stop peeing on the seat. Stop it! Honestly, how does it happen so frequently?  A little dribble on the front is understandable, but what circumstances are causing you to pee on all the seat? And don’t say it’s because you didn’t lift the lid, because if that’s true you are forever banished to behind the trees bathrooms.

7) Never shake a man’s hand, or high five, or hug, those are acceptable and encouraged outside the bathroom, but not in. You can fist bump in some Western states, but make sure the other man really wants to do it.

8) Lock the door to your stall if you want to keep the respect of others. No matter how powerful and important you are, you can’t remain that way if someone sees you with your pants at your feet, looking up in horror and ultimate vulnerability.

9) If you are at the urinal, treat the other men like you are encountering a bear in the wild, stare straight ahead, do not make eye contact, and back away slowly when you are done.

10) When using a hand dryer, be sure to use sighs and grunts to communicate how stupid you think they are. Then, wipe your hands on your pants.

Any to add?

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Day 301. Top Ten Guys’ Bathroom Rules

  1. Brad T

    If someone else passes gas, no comments are the only comments to make. Bite your tongue and for Pete’s sake, don’t laugh. That’s awkwardness for everyone in the bathroom even when you go back out into the world. Pass gas out there, comments and emotional responses are acceptable, maybe even expected. In the bathroom, the opposite is true.

  2. If you are in a larger, more public restroom such as a stadium or movie theater, if you are in line you must stare straight down at the floor at all costs. The only acceptable time to look up is when a stall or (in true emergencies only) spot on the urinal trough opens up and you’re next. You should always be surprised it’s your turn. Browsing of any kind is unacceptable!

  3. Kyle

    What are the rules regarding troughs?

  4. Joe

    Whether it’s the door to a stall or the door to a single-occupancy bathroom, only one jiggle of the handle is necessary to determine whether it is locked and in use. Repeated jiggling–or, God forbid, knocking–is rude. If locked, one should wait patiently until the occupant is finished.

  5. Rick Parks

    Never ask the drunk guy next to you at a urinal a question. He will inevitably turn body and soul to answer you.

  6. If you recognize a long lost friend, hold the “HEY MAN!!” until you are both done, then act surprised as if this is the first time you discovered he was in the restroom with your.
    If you find yourself shoulder to shoulder when there are only two open urinals, “angle off”. It is understood, but you don’t want to mess that one up.

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