Day 304. 5 Things You See on Daytime TV

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I’ve spent more time than I would like to admit watching daytime TV since I’ve been home. I’ve hardly watched TV this year, and for the seven years before that I worked during the day. I have a lot of observations.

5 Things You See on Daytime Television

1. Maury Freakin’ Povich.

It’s hard to criticize Maury, he found his thing and he stuck to it. Back in the day, Maury was a hodgepodge of different types of shows, then one day they decided to do a paternity test when the heavens opened up and an angel came unto Maury and said, “Unto someone a child is born, and Maury, it is your job to find out who.” Throw in some lie detector tests to go with the paternity tests, and boom, you have a long running talk show. I have a hard time making fun of it because I can’t turn away. Want to know why? They show you the answer usually before the next commercial break! Someday, I would like to see them expand to maternity tests.

Maury: “Well, the results are in, and Susan, you are the mother!”

The crowd goes crazy in disbelief.

Susan: “Yeah, I know, I remember.”

Depression ranking at the knowledge that you’re watching this on daytime TV: 4. It helps because the people on the show have it way worse than you.

2. The Table

Who was clamoring for a View knockoff? Who? Who? Tell me who! I will find them and put them down. I think there was a meeting of producers one day and one of them said, “Okay, it seems like the View is really successful, we need to create something just like it, but we need to make sure it’s different enough that people won’t notice.” Another producer chimes in, “Okay, we’re listening.” Well,” says the first one, “We have a few women who gather together to talk about the days events. They will be diverse and opinionated.” “That sounds just like the View,” says the second producer. “Wait, wait, hear me out,” says the first, “They’ll also interview celebrities.” “That’s exactly the same,” exclaims the second. “Here’s the twist…there’s a table! They sit behind a table!” explains the first. “Brilliant! Genius! Let’s do it! Get me Darlene!” excitedly yells the second.

Depression ranking at the knowledge that you’re watching this on daytime TV: 7. You realize the premise of the show was the same as your last job’s break room.

3. Trade School Commercials. 

There are a lot of commercials for various local trade and vocational schools. Locally, they’re all for Vatterott College, Everest College, and Bryan College. It seems to be that people thinking about going into medical transcription or heating and air conditioning training just haven’t had someone angrily tell them to go to school. Usually, the commercials involve a guy talking to the camera, appealing directly to the person at home. Sometimes they seem to get really particular. “You, yeah, you, the one sitting on the couch wishing your life was better. You know you want to go to school. What’s stopping you? Is it your sister in law, Tina? She’s a douche anyway, no one likes her, even your brother, Jason.”

Depression ranking at the knowledge that you’re watching this on daytime TV: 2. Would be higher if not for the hope that someday I could get an honorary degree from one of these schools, but I have no idea what it would take.

4. J.G. Wentworth Commercials

Chances are you haven’t seen these commercials unless you’ve been at home during the day. Apparently, the people at home during the day are people that have won the lottery, or a big cash settlement who really want to have that money right now. Most J. G. Wentworth commercials were done by high school sophomores for a social studies project. Mostly, it’s just a variety of people saying something to effect of,  “I want my cash now.” Then, a creepy man we can only assume to be J. G. himself pulls up and says, “It’s your money, use it when you need it.” I think what he’s actually saying is, “It’s more money than you’ve ever seen, let us take like 20% so you can have it now.” Big question is, why would you be at home if you won the lottery? Clearly, I would be hanging out with my robot friends that I commissioned.

Depression ranking at the knowledge that you’re watching this on daytime TV: 9. There are people watching TV at the same time as you that have a ton of money coming to them.

5. The Steve Wilkos Show

Whoever thought the Jerry Springer show was good, was wrong. Whoever thought, “Hey let’s give the security guy from the show his own talk show,” was wronger. Whoever watches it enough to keep the ratings going was wrongest.

Depression ranking at the knowledge that you’re watching this on daytime TV: 10. Steve Wilkos has a job and you don’t.




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