Day 307. 12 Days of Christmas for Michelle

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas! I feel like I’m due for a more sentimental post, but I’m not sure I’m capable of it right now. In it’s place, I’ll try something different. Michelle is a very thoughtful gift giver. I am wildly inconsistent. Sometimes I hit a home run (see 2008 red coat), sometimes it’s a dud (see 2002 Detroit Lakes, MN t-shirt). I feel like the effort is mostly there, it’s the skill that I lack at times. See, I have a hard time getting what a person asks for, it’s boring to me, instead I play capitalism roulette and take my chances.

Someone else was like that too, the guy behind the 12 Days of Christmas song. I can relate to him, he was trying. Now, I feel like parodies of the 12 Days of Christmas song are way over done, so instead, I would like to imagine Michelle’s true to life response at me getting her the various gifts listed in the song. For the sake of brevity, I will not repeat the previous lines like in the song.

Jeff: Hey, Michelle, I have an idea.

Michelle: Okay, shoot.

Jeff: What if this year, instead of one big present I get you 12 presents on 12 days leading up to Christmas?

Michelle: What? Do I have to do that back to you?

Jeff: No.

Michelle: Okay, fine, whatever.

On the first day of Christmas,

I gave to Michelle

A partridge in a pear tree…

Michelle: “What is this? Oh my gosh, it’s a pear tree, wow, I thought that was a lot of wrapping paper.”

Jeff: “Yeah, but did you see the partridge? There’s a partridge in there.”

Michelle: “Oh, okay, sure, but how did you get a tree into the house without me seeing?”

On the second day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

2 turtle doves…

Michelle: Oh…wow…fun…I’m sensing a theme.

On the third day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

3 French hens…

Michelle: Okay, okay, okay, Michelle, you can do this. Honey, I’m so surprised. Wow. Don’t let my monotone voice fool you, I’m ecstatic, more birds, yaayyyy.

Jeff: They’re French, ooh la la. Oui oui.

Michelle: Where are we going to put these?

Jeff: I was thinking the guest bedroom, how often do we really have guests over? Not very! You don’t seem that excited.

Michelle: Jeff, obviously, you went through a lot of trouble here, but we can’t have anymore birds.

On the fourth day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

4 calling birds…

Michelle: Damn it, Jeff

Jeff: They were non-refundable.

On the fifth day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

5 golden rings…

Michelle: Oh, Jeff, you did great. Look at this, rings! One, two, three, four, and five?

Jeff: It’s for your thumb!

On the sixth day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

6 geese a laying…

Michelle: Oh, look, it’s a…

Jeff: Don’t say anything.

Michelle: Geese? Geese are birds, Jeff. Why don’t you listen?!

Jeff: I did, I did, listen the other thing is, they’re a laying. The guy who sold them to me outside of Wal Mart told me this sob story, and I couldn’t let them die, right?

Michelle: Jeff

Jeff: They can stay in the tub, we can shower with the hose. Also, the geese are angry.

On the seventh day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

7 swans a swimming…


Jeff: Don’t cry.


Jeff: Say something

On the eighth day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

8 maids a milking…

Michelle: Who the hell are these hussies?

Jeff: They’re maids

Michelle: What are they doing in my house?

Jeff: They’re milking

Michelle: Pardon me? They’re producing milk, or they’re milking something? And if so, milking what?

Jeff: I don’t know, things with teats. They can milk the geese.

Michelle: Jeff, for the love of everything holy, take these women back, women aren’t a gift.

Jeff: They’re from a temp agency.

On the ninth day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

Nine ladies dancing…


Jeff: You thought that was just a big cake, didn’t you? Be honest, you thought that. I mean, I even helped them get into the cake, and I can’t believe that nine of them fit in there.

Michelle: Jeff…

Jeff: I mean, I had to really cram them in there. They were spooning.

Michelle: You should stop…

Jeff: You wouldn’t believe it, I must have had my hands all over their bodies. They are so flexible.

Michelle: Stop it.

Jeff: And look at them dance. I would need to stretch first if I were them. Imagine, our own dancers. Look, that one has tassels.

Michelle: Sleep outside tonight.

On the tenth day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

10 lords a leaping…

Michelle: What the f$@%?

Jeff: They’re lords…and…they’re leaping. Lords, Michelle, lords, like people who have authority over others, from England. You said no women, J-Man came through.

Michelle: Outside

Jeff: Okay.

On the eleventh day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

11 pipers piping…

Michelle: Okay, this is one sounds better. The freaking geese were keeping me up all night. They killed the turtle doves…Oh, dang. Why are they wearing tights?

Jeff: They’re pipers, they pipe.

Michelle: 2 Things. One, why do you keep getting me humans? Two, why are you getting me one more thing than the previous day, when clearly I haven’t liked anything since day 5?

Jeff: I’m not thinking very well anymore, I think I got frostbite last night. There’s only one day left.

Michelle: Okay, no birds, women, or things that make loud noises.

On the tenth day of Christmas

I gave to Michelle

12 drummers drumming…

Jeff: Michelle, please stop running.



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4 responses to “Day 307. 12 Days of Christmas for Michelle

  1. Laura Gwin

    That is hilarious!!! I had to stop reading half way through it because the tears running down my face made it hard to read. I needed that…

  2. Oh my god. I am laughing way too loudly at work. must. stop.

  3. Man that was a really funny post! Can this be a video?!?

    My favorite, “They’re producing milk, or they’re milking something?”

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