Day 329. My Golden Globes Best/Worst Dressed List (With More Snark!)

Monday, January 16, 2012

Last night, Michelle and I went to my friend, Sarah’s, house for a Golden Globes watch party. It was more of a get together than a party, but I like to call things parties, even when they aren’t quite. There were a few girls, and just two of us guys, so I got a new understanding for watching an awards show for the sake of fashion. It was different, they noticed things that I never would have thought of.

I feel qualified enough now to do my own best and worst dressed list. The key to a good list like this is to throw niceties out the window, in it’s place, snark. Pure, evil snark. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll be doing this as an alter ego, a sassy woman named Regina Duphrene. So, Regina may say some mean things, but it is not Jeff.

Here it is, Regina Duphrene’s Best and Worst Dressed List for The Golden Globes 2012

Zooey Deschanel-Worst

Zooey, Zooey, girl, this is too much. I can appreciate the elegance of the bottom of the dress, but the top looks like a monochromatic Lite Brite. I just wanna know, where you hide the extension cord? Cuz I don’t see it! I know you’re the “New Girl,” but please, this is more like the Eww girl, why you do that? Please, the woman behind you in the purple, holding a walkie talkie looks better than you. That breaks Regina’s Fashion Rule #4: Never let a woman with a walkie talkie look better than you.

Salma Hayek-Best

Now, I had to turn this picture upside down, because is it me, or does Salma look like a golden, upside down Chrysler building below a black night sky? Only difference is that in this version, the Chrysler building is built upon some earthen mounds, if you know what I’m saying. Salma followed Regina’s Fashion Rule #13, if you can’t think of what you want to wear, look like a building…that is upside down.

Sarah Michelle Gellar-Worst

Oh, I know what you did last summer! You went to summer camp and tie-dyed stuff. I could keep going with this one. Girl, your dress has the coloring of a bowling ball, the one that the woman in the lane next to you has, that she brought on her own, because that’s what she does, bowl her life away. Oh, girl, I think the inspiration from this came from a guy named Skyler’s dorm room. Lava lamps are great for Skyler, not for you. Rumor is that Sarah’s daughter picked this dress out for her, that’s sweet, but, honey, your daughter needs to go to Regina’s Fashion School for Children, where you learn Regina’s Fashion Rule #22: If you gonna look like a bowling ball, it better be on a count of you bein’ pregnant.

Kelly Osbourne-Worst

Girl, you look like a synchronized swimmer with her head bobbing out of the water. If you’re dad could see you, he’d say, Roor hazle townsie (bleep). Kelly clearly broke Regina’s Fashion Rule #18: If you look at your hair in the mirror and it makes you think about Taylor Hicks, you’re doing it wrong.

Dianna Agron-Best

The ‘N’ in ‘Golden’ behind her makes it look like she’s wearing an antennae, I’m just going to assume that was intentional. Finally, someone with an antennae! Everyone knows that Regina has been saying that people need to be wearing their old TV antennas. It’s about time someone listened. I am Gleeful at seeing this stunner of an outfit. Dianna is following Regina’s Fashion Rule #9: Old appliances carry with them the future of fashion. Next prediction: Laser Disc earrings, you heard it here first.

Meryl Streep-Worst

If Darth Vader and Yosemite Sam’s wardrobes made a baby, this would be what it would look like. Meryl broke Regina’s Fashion Rule #33: Don’t. Just don’t.

Natalie Portman-Best

Look, the new Natalie Portman living room set, now comes with and end table. Now, Regina would put her appletini down on this end table. It’s almost like having a butler that follows you everywhere. I’ve just got one question, Natalie, dear, what about when you sit down in the loo, do you knock over the toilet paper roll? My first thought when I saw this was, is Peter Dinklage standing under her dress? Oh, Regina, you done it this time. Girl, you good. Natalie is following Regina’s Fashion Rule #2: Use your resources, if the foyer has a nice stool you want, slip it in your dress and take it home, nobody will notice.

Okay, thanks Regina, you’ve been as snarky and sassy as ever. We here at the Mystery Year do not share the opinions of Regina, these are her thoughts and her thoughts alone. I don’t think I like Regina.

P.S. I’m typing all of this in sweatpants, a hoodie,and feminine socks.



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2 responses to “Day 329. My Golden Globes Best/Worst Dressed List (With More Snark!)

  1. Amanda R.

    Is Peter Dinklage standing under her dress?!?!?

    I’m glad we ladies could help you find your inner snarky fashion commentator.

  2. Why on earth does Kelly Osbourne have on a 100 year old woman’s wig?!

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