Sunday, February 12, 2012
Another Sunday night, another awards show. Tonight was the Grammys, the music industry’s night of celebration that they’ve fooled people once again. As with all awards shows, there was the red carpet. As with all red carpets, there were outfits. Anytime all of those factors come together, we bring in our fashion correspondent to the Mystery Year, Regina Duphrene. Regina is not me, she is a real, sassy lady, who is definitely not me.
Let’s get it started.
2012 Grammy’s Best and Worst Dressed List.
Oh dear, Bonnie, your dress done got a sinus infection. Girl, stop what you’re doing right now, go get your dress some Amoxicillin, plenty of rest and fluids. When it becomes yellow and drippy, you’ve got a problem. Oh, and get me some carpet cleaner, I’m going to have to be on my hands and knees on this red carpet, just trying to get this out. This breaks Regina’s Fashion Rule #21: If your dress is sick, just stay home, or all of the other dresses will just end up getting sick too.
Some women wore Versaci, and Vera Wang tonight. My girl, Snooki, wore M.C. Esher. $20 says she never made it to the ceremonies because the stairway she was on leading up, suddenly lead down, then when she got to the bottom, it was actually leading up. This follows Regina’s Fashion Rule #3: If your body ain’t great, just wear an optical illusion (This is why after my first baby was born, I wore a magic eye poster for 4 weeks).
Rick, honey, if I turned the picture sideways, everyone would think they were watching a TV with technical difficulties. This breaks Regina’s Fashion rule #18: Simply, don’t wear something that will make everyone think they are watching a TV with technical difficulties.
As any committed reader knows, I have been at the forefront of the movement to bring Hypercolor clothing back. Well, my girl, Esperanza heard the call and answered. Dang, she looks good doing it too. With Hypercolor, you can say that you’re hot, and then have the wardrobe prove it. This follows Regina’s Fashion rule #41: Fads from the ’90s that encourage weird groping are gold for red carpets.
I’ve got 6 words for everyone around Jessie J tonight: Keep this woman away from a microwave. I’m serious now, no matter how much she pleads, don’t let her in your microwave, she will ruin your microwave, metal is just not meant for microwaves. This breaks Regina’s Fashion rule #23: If at any point, you look at yourself in the mirror in your dress and you think, “I look like the backside of a high quality party balloon,” change clothes.
Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, spilled Tang on a doilie does not a dress make. Listen, I understand, I’ve been there. You’re standing in your grandmother’s underwear in the dining room when you inadvertently spill your space juice on the doilie you set out to wear that night. Breathe, do not wear it, in fact, just don’t ever wear a doilie of any color over underwear. This breaks Regina’s Fashion rule #11: Accidents don’t create fashion. Fashion creates accidents.
Oh, Regina is going to have some fun with this one. Hey, Sophia, remember that surgery you had a couple years ago when they replaced your shoulder and wrist with metal rods? Yeah, those were magnets. Hey Sophia, this is what you get for taking Robocop as a date, gun corsages. Hey, Sophia, remember to change clothes before going to LAX, you’ll never get through security like that. Hey, Sophia, were you just trying to distract Ted Nugent from looking at your chest? Hey, Sophia, the Men in Black headquarters called, they just finished doing their yearly inventory and they’re down two guns. Hey Sophia, remind me not to sit over your right shoulder, I can’t afford to be collateral damage. Hey Sophia, you just made all 4.3 million straight members of the NRA faint. This breaks Regina’s Fashion rule number…never mind…it’s awesome.
Well, it’s original, I’ll give you that. And, it’s sinful. So, it’s clearly the personification of original sin. I get it Nicki, I get it. Most people Vatican’t see it, but I Vatican. The only way this outfit is palatable is if it is foreshadowing popping and locking monks in your performance during the show.